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thejusticelounge2013-01-14 08:03 pm
bossymarmalade) wrote in thejusticelounge2013-01-14 08:03 pm
Entry tags:
impromptu lunch
The corridors of the Watchtower were all a bustle in the middle of the day, and for once it had nothing to do with some grand crisis where the medbay was filled with team mates or heroes were rallying to face a foe as a united force. Simply the timing of shift changes and meal time were the causes of the hall traffic, and never did a routine and casual atmosphere feel so welcome a change around these parts.
Dodging an oncoming lab worker who was running late, Guy slipped into the open doorway of the security admin office in which Ollie was busily working, and rapped lightly on the inner wall as a means of knocking. “Hey, you wanna grab a bite to eat, or are you up to your spiffy eye-mask in paperwork?” he teased, leaning against the door frame.
Ollie looked up, blinking a few times to shake himself out of paperwork-brain and into “interacting with other human beings” brain. “Oh my god, yes to both of those,” he breathed, shuffling a stack of forms into a quick pile to lock away and closing the cover on his tablet. Guy was looking remarkably casual and relaxed, leaning up there watching him with a slight smile, and the easy line of his shoulder against the doorjamb made Ollie instantly crave a moment for refueling and taking a break from the administrative duties that were currently pinching at his brain.
Jumping up from behind his desk, he trotted briskly over to Guy, guiding him out of the office and down the hallway. “I hear they’ve got some kind of fancy burger bar going on in the cafeteria today,” Ollie suggested brightly. “Alien *and* Earthling toppings, too! We could check that out, or—” a thought occurred to him, “—get something and come back to the office if you wanted to, I dunno, talk in private?” Maybe Guy had something specific on his mind.
“I’m feeling adventurous enough to try Earthling toppings for a change” Guy joked, “But yeah, let’s get it to go. The Tower’s hopping today, it’s noisy, and besides, we haven’t talked much since the the whole switcheroo business, amiright?”
The line-up wasn’t too bad at the cafeteria, and the pair loaded up their burgers. Guy consciously took two patties; it was the amount he used to put away anyway, and he had a promise to Kyle to keep. Coleslaw, fries, gravy, and a big glass of V8 rounded out the meal. “They’re getting better,” Guy remarked on their way back to Ollie’s office, “I think this cheese has actually got some dairy in it.”
“Hah!” Ollie poked at his burger, which had cheese on it but also some kind of Zamaron pickled flower that he’d thrown on in a whim. “I might be in a minority here, but I kinda dig the cafeteria food. Some of the more casserole-y items remind me of the slop back in boarding school. Ahhhh, memories!”
They settled down back at the office, Ollie shutting the door behind them. “Keep out the riffraff,” he said, rustling cutlery and napkins around and digging into his macaroni and cheese with intense attention. “mmmmf, that’s good. Thanks for dragging me to the feed trough, Gardner — I was in one of those moods where you just put your head down and tackle the annoying paperwork and don’t wanna stop for meals or hydration or taking a piss or *anything* ‘cause you want it over with, y’know? But I needed the refuel.”
Ollie washed down his pasta with a long swig of iced tea and took a deep breath. “So now that my blood sugar’s returning to normal — how’s it been? Since the swappage. Now that things have changed pretty drastically for you, man, on a personal level and all….”
Guy dragged one of his fries through a dollop of congealed gravy, then seemed to forget it was in his hand as he replied. “You’d think I’d be a mess, what with Dick and comin’ out an’ other things,” he drawled, “I expected it to be, but…I’m enjoyin’ the calm after the storm too much, y’know? The fear toxin, you an’ Kate bein’ attacked, havin’ to go after Roy…the personal drama seems almost relaxin’ by comparison.”
“Speakin’ of…” Guy abandoned the fry and took a swig of vegetable cocktail instead. It wasn’t the most elegant of segues, but he wanted to get the most unpleasant stuff out of the way first, while they were eating; it was a slim chance, but he was hoping Ollie wouldn’t kick him out with the excuse of work to do if they were still working on lunch. Then again, this was Ollie. He could just as easily toss Guy out the door and both their lunch trays on top of him. “I wanted to talk about this Roy thing with you, face to face and off the record. E-mail just didn’t seem right, Ols.”
Ollie winced hard, swallowing his bite of hamburger too fast upon Guy’s mention of Roy. *Roy*? That was what Gardner wanted to talk to him about?!? Of all the possible subjects to bring up about all the possible people they had in common, Roy was most definitely hovering around the bottom of the list. Even taking into account all the Red Lantern corralling that Guy had been part of.
Thumping his chest to help move the food along, Ollie drank down more iced tea before clearing his throat. “I’m guessing you mean specifically the matter of Roy holding a seat on the Steering Committee?” he asked. “I can’t see why you’d need to bring up anything with me personally, to be honest. I mean, it’s not like I can claim objectivity about his position, but I didn’t think anybody would be all that eager to *keep* him in membership. Unless …”
He rubbed at the tip of his nose with the back of his hand, considering. “Does this have to do with the Red Lantern stuff?”
“Not really. More to do with Ollie stuff. An’ that’s why I’m goin’ personal here and not wearin’ any committee hat. I ain’t askin’ you to be objective, either, Ols. You got every reason imaginable to not be comfortable havin’ him on the committee, and that was the only condition Roy set on his resigning. But rather than goin’ along with Kyle and advocatin’ that we accept his resignation, you say you’re happy with leaving it all in limbo.”
Guy shook his head, “It’s semantics, I know, but we could call it a resignation, and you wouldn’t have to deal with the possibility of Roy returning to the committee. From where I’m sitting? My friend has been through hell, and I think it’s too much of the League to ask of him, to just leave it ambiguous like that, unless that’s really what you would prefer or need, all objectivity aside.”
He waited a pregnant pause, then gave Ollie his out, with a shrig of his shoulders and a bittersweet smile on his lips, “Or…you can tell me to keep my goddamn nose out of your private business and I’ll shut up and we can go back to talkin’ about me and Dick and sexuality and body issues. But not before I say I only brought this up because I honestly cared how this might affect you on a personal level, after all you’ve gone through.”
“Mmmm, Kyle only said accept his resignation if Roy had actually *tendered* a resignation. Once I explained Roy’s, uh, stipulation — that he’d resign if I wanted him to or if we hadn’t kicked him off — Kyle came up with the indefinite leave of absence thing.” Ollie worked it all through again in his head, then nodded, satisfied he’d laid out the steps the discussion had gone through. Then he leaned over and flicked a finger against Guy’s forearm.
“I’m not gonna tell you to buzz off, Gardner. In fact, I’m kinda flabbergasted about this whole thing. None of it’s …” Ollie scrubbed both hands through his hair, rumpling it on end. “I dunno. I just *don’t know* when it comes to Roy. How to feel, who to talk to, what other people see when they look at him and me. It all makes me really, really fucking overwhelmed.” He mindlessly picked up the french fry that Guy had abandoned in the gravy and ate it to soothe himself.
“What do you think I should do?” Ollie asked finally, feeling helpless. “So far Wally’s abstaining, Kyle and Zee think we should hear a resignation from Roy’s mouth or put him on leave, and I want — I want him off, but I don’t want this to be one more nail in the coffin.” He considered the expression and grimaced. “I don’t want this to be *me* deciding that Roy’s not allowed back, and, and—”
Ollie looked up at Guy, lip curling back from his teeth. “To be honest, Guy, I’m pretty fucking pissed off that he dumped this in *my* lap. He can’t come to his own goddamn decision? He’s gotta make it all about the old man deciding to throw his ass off the Committee?” He kicked one of the table legs, shaking their trays. “Why the fuck is he *doing* this to me?!?”
Guy pushed his plate a little closer to Ollie in silent invitation to finish his fries. It was easy to see how overwhelming and even agonizing this situation was for him; Ollie’s body language, now that he’d lowered his defences and was opening up about this, was very clear. The gestures of his hands, his posture, the curve of his shoulders… but none of that took Guy by surprise as much as Ollie actually asking him for advice.
“I think you should abstain,” he answered him. “You’re right, it’s not fair this has been put on you. So don’t let it be that way. Don’t take this crap for Roy’s sake or the League’s, Ols, they can each take care of themselves. It doesn’t mean you love either any less.”
“I’d say Roy’s struggling with responsibility in general; just looking at his patterns of dependency and running away says he’s Mr. Avoidance. I doubt he intends to put you in this position or hurt you, he likely didn’t even consider that - it ain’t normal thoughtlessness, he’s probably just not capable of empathy right now, in the headspace he’s in.”
“But hey, this way, by asking you to decide if he should resign, he has the grace and dignity of showing us he’s willing to make a noble gesture of sacrifice without having to admit it was entirely up to him if he regrets resigning later on. You got every right to be pissed off, and I would be too if someone were tryin’ to force me to take on the burden of their tough decisions, especially after going through what you’ve gone through.” He gave Oliver a somber, level look, “I guess the question is, what’re ya gonna do with that anger? Cuz aimin’ it right back at Roy, it won’t do any good, not in the long run…but it’s gotta go somewhere.”
“Not capable of empathy,” Ollie repeated, staring down at the toes of his shoes. “That sounds terrifying. It sounds awful. How can somebody … I can’t even…” He dragged in a shaky breath and shook himself. “It’s hard to take, is all. I raised that kid, as best I could, even though we all know how much *that’s* fucking worth—” Ollie cut himself off again, hard, the muscles in his jaw jumping.
“Anyhow,” he said roughly. “That’s not the point. I think you’re right, Gardner. Abstaining from this vote one way or the other is the best thing for me to do, no matter how wrong it feels. To not be involved. That’s the route I’ve been trying to take when it comes to Roy, and I need to stick to it. But goddamn, fate has a fine fucking sense of irony, huh? The whole *reason* he’s so fucked up is because I wasn’t involved enough, and now to fix it, I have to force myself to be hands-off.”
Slumping down in his chair, Ollie opened and closed his hands on the sides of the seat as he considered Guy’s last comments. “I’m angry with Roy, but not to the exclusion of all else. It’s not the primary emotion I feel about him, I mean. It’s more like I’m furious with the whole situation, especially with …” He aborted that sentence too, rubbing his nose again. “Look, it’s not like I’m any stranger to anger management. It’ll be fine. The Committee stuff is what’s important, and you’ve given me some excellent advice about it, about Roy. Thanks, man.” Ollie pushed Guy’s foot with his toes. “I didn’t expect this at all, but I’m glad you did it.”
“The empathy thing…it’s probably temporary, Ols. He’s still reeling from what he’s done to you and Kate, how far he’s fallen, what he’s lost in his life. Anyone would have trouble stopping to think of others first, in depth, when they’ve got that kind of emotional baggage.” He nudged Ollie back with his foot, a little playfully, “He’s strong, just like your girls are. He’ll come through this, eventually. Just give him time.”
“You said a few minutes ago, you didn’t know who to talk to. I’m close enough to this situation to see it, but not so close that I’m affected by it directly. So…you can talk to me. And I’m really glad that you chose to. Thanks.” He gave him a nod, “I’ve got your back, okay?”
Guy leaned back in his chair and grinned broadly, knowing when to leave well enough alone, and when a conversation needed lightening up. “Now enough about you. Let’s talk about me and all my personal crap.”
“Personal, yeah — crap, no.” Ollie grinned, thankful to be moving on. Guy was right in pointing to himself as a good person to talk to about Roy, and truthfully Ollie hadn’t even realized just how *much* he needed to talk about Roy with somebody, especially someone in Guy’s position of just-close-enough. He’d really only discussed the whole thing with two people: Kate, and Roy, and both of them were far too involved for Ollie to have a chance to sort out his feelings much. But yeah, he needed some time to sort through all these new aspects before delving into it much more.
Linking his fingers and flexing them out, Ollie sat up straighter in his chair, interest in food renewed. “So yes, tell me about the new love in your life! I’ll be honest, Guy — I was worried about what you and Dick would be like with each other, since neither of you were in a hugely good place emotionally when you were in Italy and all that. He’s reeling from a fuckin’ *spectacular* breakup that seems to still be knocking him around with shockwaves, you’re dealing with a shitload of personal identity stuff that’s all coming at you at once … it’s a lot to deal with.”
Ollie finished off his macaroni and applied himself to Guy’s fries, shrugging. “Still, lots of strong relationships start off in the midst of sturm und drang, so, y’know — that was just the concern I had, not necessarily the truth of it. I mean, you both seem damned happy right now! What’s it like? You finding it weird, or easier than you expected, or what?”
“Yeah, when I left for France, I had my own heartache goin’ on too, just to throw into the mix with his breakup with Wally and Roy. I know, it’s got all the appearances of a double-rebound, right? A total disaster in the making.” Guy pressed his finger onto the edge of his plate to pick up some stray sesame seeds that had fallen from his burger bun. “But we’ve been good for each other. Healthy, even.”
“In Italy, it was just so safe. It was just me an’ Dick, no one knew us, no one would likely ever see us again…there were no consequences, and we both needed it, and the sex just happened, and it was a godsend. But before the sex, we became friends first. We talked for hours on end about our problems, what went wrong, how we could heal from it. We found common ground and different perspective at the same time. We’re opposites in all the right ways, y’know?”
He sucked the sesame seeds off his fingertip and thought about their aborted workout in the gym, which led to another kind of workout altogether back in Guy’s quarters. “It’s been a steep learning curve…no, that ain’t right - adjustment. I’ve had a lot of adjusting to do. I used to not feel comfortable with men, like, I might …ah, it’s hard to explain, but the thing is, Kyle an’ others got me over that dislike of being physically close. And then Italy, I got even closer still, and funny, most of the men there have no hangups about contact, regardless of their preference, so I felt more relaxed about it there, too.”
“And now, those boundaries keep moving back. Maybe not as fast as they did in Europe, but they’re moving. Sometimes I feel like I’m catching myself up with where they were supposed to be all along…other times, I stop, an’ hit the brakes, and tell Dick I ain’t ready. And whenever I get to the edge of my comfort zone, Dick’s just so…patient, y’know? Patient, an’ compassionate…and when I am ready to try somethin’ new, he helps me through it, he never rushes me.”
He leaned back in his seat, crossed his ankles, and slung one arm over the back of his chair, “I guess the only thing I find weird sometimes is our age difference. He’s twenty-five, I’m thirty-five. Sometimes I wonder if others look at us and think I’m a cradle robber.” He lifted his eyes again to look meet Ollie’s with a smirk, “An’ then I remember, I don’t actually give a crap anymore what anyone thinks. Everyone who matters to me has been told, or in your case, found out the hard way, an’ every one of ‘em is happy for us. Even Bats is lightening up about it.” He looked aside and sighed, “Aaaand then there’s Wally. That’s a whole other story.”
“Any of those boys is gonna be a whole ‘nother story, you ask me.” Ollie finished his tea and sat back as well. “Wally, Roy — there’s ex-Titans mishmash and crossed lines going on there that I don’t think anybody outside of those three has a chance in hell of untangling. I hope you’re not taking that on, Guy! It’ll just leave you exhausted and wondering why the hell you even tried.”
Ollie scrunched half his face to emphasize this point. As much as he’d watched Dick and Wally grow up alongside Roy, watched the bond they had as Teen Titans and then regular Titans, the relationship thing among the boys had always seemed … strained, impenetrable to any outside eyes. “Not that I’m saying you’re doomed to failure, but it would be a lot to deal with when you’re just trying to get out of that special euphoria of ‘vacation romance’ limbo-land and incorporate you and Dick into everyday life. It’s probably good that you’re opposites in that way, I can see that — Dick’s already so comfortable being who he is, among us, so he can slip back into that and bring you along with him, kind of. At least a little.”
Making a mental note to himself to check in with Bruce, see how he was doing with all this, Ollie bumped ankles with Guy again. “And I don’t think ten years is so much of an age difference! Once the younger partner’s in their twenties, age gaps don’t matter as much, all other things being equal. And considering how active a love life Dick had before you two got together, you can be assured that don’t *nobody* think of him as too young for any kind of relationship.” He paused, then grinned, “—of course, you *are* talking to me here. Dinah had a lot of, er, concerned parties asking her if she was *sure* she wanted to get involved with somebody so much older.”
Guy held up his hands, “Oh, no, I ain’t playin’ relationship counsellor between those three. For one thing, I’ve heard all of Dick’s side of the story in that and not theirs, and for another, hell, I’m Dick’s new lover, so I don’t think they’d ever believe I’d be objective even after hearin’ all sides; I can’t counsel people who likely won’t trust me. I know a losing battle when I see one.”
“You’re right though, Dick’s pretty comfortable with his identity. That self-assuredness really rubs off on ya. I feel more at ease with how I might be viewed when I’m around him, it…it just helps.” Guy chuckled until his shoulders bounced a bit, “He’s like my wingman for comin’ out. Not that I really need that, in our crowd. You were right, the League folk have all been real accepting, just like you said they’d be, but…I still like havin’ Dick there, just for my own ease of mind, y’know?”
“Maybe I am biased, but I think Dick’s better off now, even if he hadn’t hooked up with me after their break up. He’s got a healthier perspective now than he did two or three months ago. If one or both of the other two can accept the new Dick Grayson, then who knows, maybe there’s hope for them? At the very least, they could be civil to one another; it’s wearing on Dick and I’m startin’ to get kinda pissed off about the crap he’s takin’ from Wally an’ the silent treatment from Roy…”
Too late, Guy remembered who he was speaking to, and wished he hadn’t said it. He immediately offered Ollie a contrite look of sympathy and apology. There was absolutely no disputing that Roy’s cutting off contact with everyone hurt Ollie and his family infinitely more than it did Dick. “I’m sorry, Ollie, that was a stupid thing to say. Roy’s not singling out Dick for that,” he murmured, “An’ Dick’s not the worst affected by it by a long shot.”
“It’s okay,” Ollie said, giving a rather wan smile to reassure Guy. “I know there’s other people affected by his radio silence. I have an additional sense of responsibility, though, y’know? Like, this desperate kneejerk reaction to fix it. This last time he wrote me about the Committee, half of it was ‘back off, let me do this at my own pace, stop holding my hand, old man’ and the other half was ‘you probably deleted this message anyway without reading it and I know you can’t stand me’.” He rolled his neck out, wincing at the crack. “I mean, what’m I supposed to do with that? It kicks up every instinct I have to go hunt him down right away, let him know I want him back and I love him.”
Ollie picked at a loose thread on the hem of his shirt, wrapping it around his finger as he candidly spilled his fretting and worries to Guy. “Wally and Dick have it rough too. I don’t blame you for getting het up seeing how Roy’s treating Dick … he keeps on trying to connect with Roy and getting just *brutally* shot down, and it’s hard to watch that. Especially since you started getting close to Dick right at the messiest point of his and Roy’s relationship deteriorating.”
He poked the purply tip of his finger against his knee and frowned. “Guy,” Ollie asked, “how much d’you know about this fear toxin that Dick’s been suffering from? He was Patient Zero, right? So he’s had this stuff percolating through him since … hmmm … since he was bitten by that snake? And that was fuckin’ *ages* ago.” He sat forward, untangling his finger and absently shaking circulation back into it. “I agree with you that he’s in a healthier place, and a lot of that has to do with being able to talk with you and not be bound up in that clusterfuck of a threeway, but I’m also wondering just how *long* he’s had this toxin in him, compromising his judgement.”
Because the idea of *that* … had a shitload of implications that came along with it.
“Compromising his…” the thought struck Guy like a hammer. “Oh, Jesus…” He exhaled a long breath through pursed lips so it almost came out as a whistle, and he leaned back, dragging a hand through his hair.
All the decisions Dick had made in that time, every one, could be called into question. Committee votes, his actions during any League emergency responses or missions, even any arrests he made while on duty as a police officer, if they wanted to get picky about it. Even judgement regarding his personal relationships could considered questionable - ALL of his relationships. Guy pushed that from his mind; he was not going there right now. This was about Dick, not about himself.
“Ols,” he said slowly, carefully, “This…this is still lunch, right? Not one of your interviews? We’re stayin’ off the record here, aren’t we? Because what you just said…it’s…holy shit. That snake bite…was that before the whole EC thing?”
“This is totally off the record.” Ollie sharpened up as Guy grew visibly more concerned, and rightly so. A compromised member of the Batfamily was nothing to sneer at, considering the sheer amount of intel and influence any given member of that clan had both within the League and in a more personal sphere. “Although it may come up for me later during the interviews, I’m telling you that now. Especially since Dick was originally going to be double-blinding me and conducting his own investigation.”
He scrubbed his knuckles against his knees. “The snake bite was a good while before there was any rumbling of Eden Corps — at least a couple of months, maybe longer. Before you returned to Earth duty, I think.” Ollie winced in sympathy. What the fuck would it be like to learn that the person you’d just started a relationship with had been under the influence of a *fear toxin* the whole time you’d been getting to know each other, the whole time you’d been courting?
Blowing out his breath loudly, Ollie stared intently at Guy. “How could this have gone on so long?” he asked, not even sure if there was an answer — at least, not one that anybody but Dick could give. “Jesus, this is distressing. What a fucking astronomical lapse, man, from every angle. Has Dick even been capable of making reasoned decisions all this time?”
Guy scrubbed his hands over his face, taking it all in. “How would we even test that to begin with?” he asked himself as much as Ollie. “He’s clear of the toxin now, so whatever psych tests were done now would probably only match whatever his last nominal test was, and what do you wanna bet that was long before the snake bite? I mean, what do we do, just ask him and just take his word for it?”
He tried to recall what the doctors and Batman had managed to piece together. “There was the snake bite…but it required something else. He didn’t become contagious until he was attacked in France. He said he fell ill after that. It was some kind of…catalyst, they said? So. Maybe things just got a lot worse after the attack in France? Maybe he wasn’t so bad before that, before his leave of absence?”
Guy realized as he was saying it how hopeful he sounded, and not really in a good way; it was more like in a grasping-at-straws kind of way. It was neither critical thinking, nor objectivity, nor was it helpful to the difficult problem that lay before these two veterans: sorting out this clusterfuck.
“Okay, so: it’s possible this fear toxin was entirely dormant before the added component of it got brewed in and made a … terror nitroglycerin?” Ollie tugged his beard. “That sounds feasible. Maybe we’re being optimistic about this, and it’s not that I would say that Dick’s, uh…” he cast about for a moment for the right word, and finally offered, “…totally ineffectual right now, but he’s been…”
Ollie sighed. “Keep in mind that I’ve known Dick since he was a puppy, and that’s the knowledge of him I’m building on,” he said. “To me, lately, he’s seemed so groundless, indecisive, even mean-spirited. Dick’s always been the most accepting and open of all those kids, and even though I know things with Roy and Wally have driven him to despair and they’re all three of them as self-involved as being in your twenties demands, I’ve never seen him *mean*. And fear makes people mean, and unable to make decisions, doesn’t it.” It wasn’t really a question. You never knew what you’d get when you talked to a GL about fear, after all.
“Truth is, I’m not sure *what* we’re dealing with, now that this has come to light. And I don’t know how much it could have affected Dick, or his emotions, or how we would go about finding that all out.” Ollie shook his head, reaching forward to grasp Guy’s shoulder. “Maybe the only thing we can do now is ask Dick about it, and start again from scratch. Try not to think about the possibilities.”
Guy tilted his head, frowning in confusion. “Mean-spirited? Really? It’s not that I don’t believe ya Ols, but can you give me an example, ‘cause I haven’t observed it myself, or at least don’t remember?” Ollie was right, fear made people do all kinds of things, and Dick wasn’t immune to that. He reminded himself again to stay objective.
“Ask Dick, it’s pretty much all we can do, Ols. Look, he trusts both of us, and if we approach this right he’ll be straight with us. How about you an’ me just meet with him, an’ like you said, start from the beginning. No prejudgements, just ask his help in analyzing this?”
“He’s said some things that’ve taken me aback, because they weren’t …” Ollie pursed his mouth, “…they didn’t *seem* like him. I haven’t stored ‘em up content-wise so I can’t whip out any quotable examples, but I know I’ve had that reaction more than a couple of times.” Considering for a moment, he added, “People change. Just because I see Dick a certain way doesn’t mean he shouldn’t ever deviate from that; he’s a young man, he’s far from ‘finished’, as it were. From my perspective it’s with Damian where a lot of his behaviour has changed, although that’s not the only place. And I’m sure there’s a lot more to his relationship with Damian than I’m privy to. But all the same it’s jarring.”
Sighing, Ollie rubbed one of his forearms until it was tingling. “And yeah, that’s a sound proposal. Do you wanna broach the subject with him, or should I? I’m kinda worried that it’ll come out of the blue if I do it, as opposed to you as his —” Ollie hesitated for a moment, obviously cycling through a few words in his head first before venturing, “—boyfriend?”
Guy gave him a kind smirk, a small spot of humour in an otherwise bleak turn of conversation, “Boyfriend works. Anything works. Partner might be a little confusing, considering Kyle’s role with me. One of these days I should tell you about this therapist we were seeing for couples counselling,” he chuckled, “That was an adventure in misunderstandings.”
He nodded at Ollie’s suggestion, “I can broach it with him, then I was thinking the three of us can talk to him about it. Something casual, friendly, non-threatening. I think Dick will cooperate as much as he can in those conditions.”
“I’ll take your word on the meanness…I know Damian’s frustrated him lately, and it’s complicated, what with Bruce returning, Damian accusing Dick of abandoning him. Nothing is really simple with Damian, it would be bound to affect Dick too. He thinks the world of that kid.”
The momentary levity of Adventures in Confusing Titles for People was welcome, especially considering what the conversation necessarily went back to. “Casual and friendly is probably best, you’re right,” he nodded. “I was trying to figure out if you should play Personal Cop and I’d play Professional Cop, but let’s face it — there’s a fair amount of both for both of us when it comes to Dick.” It wasn’t as if Ollie’d had a personal relationship with Dick on the same level as Guy, of course, but he’d known the kid so long. The way you knew your kid’s best friend, who happened to be the child of one of your own best friends. It was at once strange and comforting to think about.
Which brought them to the next thing.
“I wouldn’t characterize Damian’s feelings of abandonment as accusations,” Ollie said, musingly. “He’s *got* reasons to have abandonment issues, shitloads of ‘em, from all angles. Even if you don’t take into account the longstanding parental ones, there’s just this summer spent pinballing from one place to the next.” Taking a deep breath, Ollie looked at Guy, his brow furrowing in sadness. “Damian … the way he’s reacting to this, it’s so much like my kids, all of ‘em. Which is really saying something considering how varied in temperament they all are. I dunno, there’s probably a whole checklist of behaviours for kids who’ve been through abandonment — I don’t know them, though I should. But that’s what I’m seeing with Damian, the same patterns I saw in Roy and Connor and Mia, right down to Lian, even.
“And considering how much I love my own, I’m not saying Dick doesn’t care for his brother. I’m only saying he’s in a very shaky place personally right now, and he might not be capable of as much compassion as Damian needs. God knows I’ve been there.”
“I didn’t say they were false accusations, Ollie,” Guy shrugged. “I agree, the boy’s got major issues, he’s screaming for stability and consistency and though he’ll be the last to admit it, love. Perhaps Dick isn’t capable of as much compassion as Damian needs, but…he ain’t his guardian anymore. I’m more worried about whether Bruce has as much compassion as Damian needs. He isn’t exactly big in the demonstrative love department.”
Guy constructed a toothpick and slipped it into his mouth, idly playing with it as he continued, “Wait, are…are we talkin’ about how to help Damian, here, or are we talkin’ about Dick bein’…mean to him?”
“I dunno. Both. Neither?” Ollie shrugged as well. “I only meant to clarify what I’d said, not really get into the whole thing. Once I get on a roll it’s hard to curb myself.” He smiled wryly; it wasn’t like Guy didn’t already know that.
“But yeah, Damian and the care and feeding of is Bruce’s issue, and even more than that, a Bat-family issue and not directly relevant to what we’re talking about here. Which is rapidly becoming broader in scope than I think the two of us can analyze, without Dick himself.” Ollie stopped and turned his feet sideways, bringing the soles together as he pondered.
“Honestly,” he said, “I don’t even know how much business it is of mine, the personal aspect of it. The more I think about it, maybe I really *should* stick to talking to him professionally — I have an interview scheduled with him, after all. I can do all the talking about fear toxin that I need to then.” Ollie twitched his nose. “I’m gonna leave the personal side of it in your hands, Guy. You’re his lover and closest friend, you have the best idea of where Dick’s head is at right now and how much he’s capable of dealing with. Last thing I wanna do is blunderbuss in there and make him feel like he’s being attacked. I just want —” he rubbed his eyes and then the long bridge of his nose, “—christ, I just want the boys to be okay again. It seems like they’ve all been spiralling for months, now.”
“If that’s how you’d prefer it,” Guy raised an eyebrow, wondering what caused Ollie’s change of mind. “I think Dick would feel more attacked in a formal inquiry session with one person in an official setting than he would something informal with two friends, but that’s just my opinion.”
He locked his fingers together and placed them behind his head and leaned back, “Give ‘em time. They’re old friends, Ols, practically brothers. They’ll work it out. Hell, we did, and we’re not as close as they’ve all been,” he gave Ollie a smirk.
“I guuuueessssss,” Ollie said in a doubtful whine, his expression telegraphing quite clearly how much be believed in the ex-Titans’ abilities to smooth things over among them. Then he waved his hands around, sitting forward to the edge of his chair. “But enough! It’s not my business and I need to learn how to keep my nose outta their personal lives, because it’s better if they handle it themselves.
“The formal interview has to happen anyhow, so it’s better if I talk to Dick about it then — especially since he was supposed to be doing his own set of interviews. I think he’ll understand where I’m coming from, ‘cause of that angle.” Ollie nodded to himself, then patted his knees briskly before standing up.
“I’m glad we had the chance to do this,” he said, smiling at Guy. “It’s always a relief when somebody gives you an opportunity to talk about things you didn’t realize you needed so *much* to talk about, y’know?”
Guy had been leaning back on his chair, balanced on the rear two legs. When Ollie slapped his knees, Guy made to get up immediately as well, and almost fell all the way back over. His chair rocked forward and the front legs landed on the office carpet with a loud thud as Guy bounced up out of his seat.
“Me too, Ols,” Guy grasped his hand firmly and gathered their trays. “I’ll take these back to the cafeteria and let ya get back to work. Anytime you wanna unload, about Roy, work, whatever’s on your mind, just give me a shout, buddy. Let me know how things go with Dick on your end, if ya can, okay?” he asked from the doorway, carrying their dishes.
“As much as the investigative procedure’ll allow me,” Ollie said, smiling gratefully as Guy efficiently gathered up their lunch remains. “And if you uncover anything pertinent on your end, same goes, huh?”
He rounded the desk to sit back in it more officially, shuffling his stack of papers with a sigh. “Meanwhile, back to the grind. Take care, Gardner.”
Dodging an oncoming lab worker who was running late, Guy slipped into the open doorway of the security admin office in which Ollie was busily working, and rapped lightly on the inner wall as a means of knocking. “Hey, you wanna grab a bite to eat, or are you up to your spiffy eye-mask in paperwork?” he teased, leaning against the door frame.
Ollie looked up, blinking a few times to shake himself out of paperwork-brain and into “interacting with other human beings” brain. “Oh my god, yes to both of those,” he breathed, shuffling a stack of forms into a quick pile to lock away and closing the cover on his tablet. Guy was looking remarkably casual and relaxed, leaning up there watching him with a slight smile, and the easy line of his shoulder against the doorjamb made Ollie instantly crave a moment for refueling and taking a break from the administrative duties that were currently pinching at his brain.
Jumping up from behind his desk, he trotted briskly over to Guy, guiding him out of the office and down the hallway. “I hear they’ve got some kind of fancy burger bar going on in the cafeteria today,” Ollie suggested brightly. “Alien *and* Earthling toppings, too! We could check that out, or—” a thought occurred to him, “—get something and come back to the office if you wanted to, I dunno, talk in private?” Maybe Guy had something specific on his mind.
“I’m feeling adventurous enough to try Earthling toppings for a change” Guy joked, “But yeah, let’s get it to go. The Tower’s hopping today, it’s noisy, and besides, we haven’t talked much since the the whole switcheroo business, amiright?”
The line-up wasn’t too bad at the cafeteria, and the pair loaded up their burgers. Guy consciously took two patties; it was the amount he used to put away anyway, and he had a promise to Kyle to keep. Coleslaw, fries, gravy, and a big glass of V8 rounded out the meal. “They’re getting better,” Guy remarked on their way back to Ollie’s office, “I think this cheese has actually got some dairy in it.”
“Hah!” Ollie poked at his burger, which had cheese on it but also some kind of Zamaron pickled flower that he’d thrown on in a whim. “I might be in a minority here, but I kinda dig the cafeteria food. Some of the more casserole-y items remind me of the slop back in boarding school. Ahhhh, memories!”
They settled down back at the office, Ollie shutting the door behind them. “Keep out the riffraff,” he said, rustling cutlery and napkins around and digging into his macaroni and cheese with intense attention. “mmmmf, that’s good. Thanks for dragging me to the feed trough, Gardner — I was in one of those moods where you just put your head down and tackle the annoying paperwork and don’t wanna stop for meals or hydration or taking a piss or *anything* ‘cause you want it over with, y’know? But I needed the refuel.”
Ollie washed down his pasta with a long swig of iced tea and took a deep breath. “So now that my blood sugar’s returning to normal — how’s it been? Since the swappage. Now that things have changed pretty drastically for you, man, on a personal level and all….”
Guy dragged one of his fries through a dollop of congealed gravy, then seemed to forget it was in his hand as he replied. “You’d think I’d be a mess, what with Dick and comin’ out an’ other things,” he drawled, “I expected it to be, but…I’m enjoyin’ the calm after the storm too much, y’know? The fear toxin, you an’ Kate bein’ attacked, havin’ to go after Roy…the personal drama seems almost relaxin’ by comparison.”
“Speakin’ of…” Guy abandoned the fry and took a swig of vegetable cocktail instead. It wasn’t the most elegant of segues, but he wanted to get the most unpleasant stuff out of the way first, while they were eating; it was a slim chance, but he was hoping Ollie wouldn’t kick him out with the excuse of work to do if they were still working on lunch. Then again, this was Ollie. He could just as easily toss Guy out the door and both their lunch trays on top of him. “I wanted to talk about this Roy thing with you, face to face and off the record. E-mail just didn’t seem right, Ols.”
Ollie winced hard, swallowing his bite of hamburger too fast upon Guy’s mention of Roy. *Roy*? That was what Gardner wanted to talk to him about?!? Of all the possible subjects to bring up about all the possible people they had in common, Roy was most definitely hovering around the bottom of the list. Even taking into account all the Red Lantern corralling that Guy had been part of.
Thumping his chest to help move the food along, Ollie drank down more iced tea before clearing his throat. “I’m guessing you mean specifically the matter of Roy holding a seat on the Steering Committee?” he asked. “I can’t see why you’d need to bring up anything with me personally, to be honest. I mean, it’s not like I can claim objectivity about his position, but I didn’t think anybody would be all that eager to *keep* him in membership. Unless …”
He rubbed at the tip of his nose with the back of his hand, considering. “Does this have to do with the Red Lantern stuff?”
“Not really. More to do with Ollie stuff. An’ that’s why I’m goin’ personal here and not wearin’ any committee hat. I ain’t askin’ you to be objective, either, Ols. You got every reason imaginable to not be comfortable havin’ him on the committee, and that was the only condition Roy set on his resigning. But rather than goin’ along with Kyle and advocatin’ that we accept his resignation, you say you’re happy with leaving it all in limbo.”
Guy shook his head, “It’s semantics, I know, but we could call it a resignation, and you wouldn’t have to deal with the possibility of Roy returning to the committee. From where I’m sitting? My friend has been through hell, and I think it’s too much of the League to ask of him, to just leave it ambiguous like that, unless that’s really what you would prefer or need, all objectivity aside.”
He waited a pregnant pause, then gave Ollie his out, with a shrig of his shoulders and a bittersweet smile on his lips, “Or…you can tell me to keep my goddamn nose out of your private business and I’ll shut up and we can go back to talkin’ about me and Dick and sexuality and body issues. But not before I say I only brought this up because I honestly cared how this might affect you on a personal level, after all you’ve gone through.”
“Mmmm, Kyle only said accept his resignation if Roy had actually *tendered* a resignation. Once I explained Roy’s, uh, stipulation — that he’d resign if I wanted him to or if we hadn’t kicked him off — Kyle came up with the indefinite leave of absence thing.” Ollie worked it all through again in his head, then nodded, satisfied he’d laid out the steps the discussion had gone through. Then he leaned over and flicked a finger against Guy’s forearm.
“I’m not gonna tell you to buzz off, Gardner. In fact, I’m kinda flabbergasted about this whole thing. None of it’s …” Ollie scrubbed both hands through his hair, rumpling it on end. “I dunno. I just *don’t know* when it comes to Roy. How to feel, who to talk to, what other people see when they look at him and me. It all makes me really, really fucking overwhelmed.” He mindlessly picked up the french fry that Guy had abandoned in the gravy and ate it to soothe himself.
“What do you think I should do?” Ollie asked finally, feeling helpless. “So far Wally’s abstaining, Kyle and Zee think we should hear a resignation from Roy’s mouth or put him on leave, and I want — I want him off, but I don’t want this to be one more nail in the coffin.” He considered the expression and grimaced. “I don’t want this to be *me* deciding that Roy’s not allowed back, and, and—”
Ollie looked up at Guy, lip curling back from his teeth. “To be honest, Guy, I’m pretty fucking pissed off that he dumped this in *my* lap. He can’t come to his own goddamn decision? He’s gotta make it all about the old man deciding to throw his ass off the Committee?” He kicked one of the table legs, shaking their trays. “Why the fuck is he *doing* this to me?!?”
Guy pushed his plate a little closer to Ollie in silent invitation to finish his fries. It was easy to see how overwhelming and even agonizing this situation was for him; Ollie’s body language, now that he’d lowered his defences and was opening up about this, was very clear. The gestures of his hands, his posture, the curve of his shoulders… but none of that took Guy by surprise as much as Ollie actually asking him for advice.
“I think you should abstain,” he answered him. “You’re right, it’s not fair this has been put on you. So don’t let it be that way. Don’t take this crap for Roy’s sake or the League’s, Ols, they can each take care of themselves. It doesn’t mean you love either any less.”
“I’d say Roy’s struggling with responsibility in general; just looking at his patterns of dependency and running away says he’s Mr. Avoidance. I doubt he intends to put you in this position or hurt you, he likely didn’t even consider that - it ain’t normal thoughtlessness, he’s probably just not capable of empathy right now, in the headspace he’s in.”
“But hey, this way, by asking you to decide if he should resign, he has the grace and dignity of showing us he’s willing to make a noble gesture of sacrifice without having to admit it was entirely up to him if he regrets resigning later on. You got every right to be pissed off, and I would be too if someone were tryin’ to force me to take on the burden of their tough decisions, especially after going through what you’ve gone through.” He gave Oliver a somber, level look, “I guess the question is, what’re ya gonna do with that anger? Cuz aimin’ it right back at Roy, it won’t do any good, not in the long run…but it’s gotta go somewhere.”
“Not capable of empathy,” Ollie repeated, staring down at the toes of his shoes. “That sounds terrifying. It sounds awful. How can somebody … I can’t even…” He dragged in a shaky breath and shook himself. “It’s hard to take, is all. I raised that kid, as best I could, even though we all know how much *that’s* fucking worth—” Ollie cut himself off again, hard, the muscles in his jaw jumping.
“Anyhow,” he said roughly. “That’s not the point. I think you’re right, Gardner. Abstaining from this vote one way or the other is the best thing for me to do, no matter how wrong it feels. To not be involved. That’s the route I’ve been trying to take when it comes to Roy, and I need to stick to it. But goddamn, fate has a fine fucking sense of irony, huh? The whole *reason* he’s so fucked up is because I wasn’t involved enough, and now to fix it, I have to force myself to be hands-off.”
Slumping down in his chair, Ollie opened and closed his hands on the sides of the seat as he considered Guy’s last comments. “I’m angry with Roy, but not to the exclusion of all else. It’s not the primary emotion I feel about him, I mean. It’s more like I’m furious with the whole situation, especially with …” He aborted that sentence too, rubbing his nose again. “Look, it’s not like I’m any stranger to anger management. It’ll be fine. The Committee stuff is what’s important, and you’ve given me some excellent advice about it, about Roy. Thanks, man.” Ollie pushed Guy’s foot with his toes. “I didn’t expect this at all, but I’m glad you did it.”
“The empathy thing…it’s probably temporary, Ols. He’s still reeling from what he’s done to you and Kate, how far he’s fallen, what he’s lost in his life. Anyone would have trouble stopping to think of others first, in depth, when they’ve got that kind of emotional baggage.” He nudged Ollie back with his foot, a little playfully, “He’s strong, just like your girls are. He’ll come through this, eventually. Just give him time.”
“You said a few minutes ago, you didn’t know who to talk to. I’m close enough to this situation to see it, but not so close that I’m affected by it directly. So…you can talk to me. And I’m really glad that you chose to. Thanks.” He gave him a nod, “I’ve got your back, okay?”
Guy leaned back in his chair and grinned broadly, knowing when to leave well enough alone, and when a conversation needed lightening up. “Now enough about you. Let’s talk about me and all my personal crap.”
“Personal, yeah — crap, no.” Ollie grinned, thankful to be moving on. Guy was right in pointing to himself as a good person to talk to about Roy, and truthfully Ollie hadn’t even realized just how *much* he needed to talk about Roy with somebody, especially someone in Guy’s position of just-close-enough. He’d really only discussed the whole thing with two people: Kate, and Roy, and both of them were far too involved for Ollie to have a chance to sort out his feelings much. But yeah, he needed some time to sort through all these new aspects before delving into it much more.
Linking his fingers and flexing them out, Ollie sat up straighter in his chair, interest in food renewed. “So yes, tell me about the new love in your life! I’ll be honest, Guy — I was worried about what you and Dick would be like with each other, since neither of you were in a hugely good place emotionally when you were in Italy and all that. He’s reeling from a fuckin’ *spectacular* breakup that seems to still be knocking him around with shockwaves, you’re dealing with a shitload of personal identity stuff that’s all coming at you at once … it’s a lot to deal with.”
Ollie finished off his macaroni and applied himself to Guy’s fries, shrugging. “Still, lots of strong relationships start off in the midst of sturm und drang, so, y’know — that was just the concern I had, not necessarily the truth of it. I mean, you both seem damned happy right now! What’s it like? You finding it weird, or easier than you expected, or what?”
“Yeah, when I left for France, I had my own heartache goin’ on too, just to throw into the mix with his breakup with Wally and Roy. I know, it’s got all the appearances of a double-rebound, right? A total disaster in the making.” Guy pressed his finger onto the edge of his plate to pick up some stray sesame seeds that had fallen from his burger bun. “But we’ve been good for each other. Healthy, even.”
“In Italy, it was just so safe. It was just me an’ Dick, no one knew us, no one would likely ever see us again…there were no consequences, and we both needed it, and the sex just happened, and it was a godsend. But before the sex, we became friends first. We talked for hours on end about our problems, what went wrong, how we could heal from it. We found common ground and different perspective at the same time. We’re opposites in all the right ways, y’know?”
He sucked the sesame seeds off his fingertip and thought about their aborted workout in the gym, which led to another kind of workout altogether back in Guy’s quarters. “It’s been a steep learning curve…no, that ain’t right - adjustment. I’ve had a lot of adjusting to do. I used to not feel comfortable with men, like, I might …ah, it’s hard to explain, but the thing is, Kyle an’ others got me over that dislike of being physically close. And then Italy, I got even closer still, and funny, most of the men there have no hangups about contact, regardless of their preference, so I felt more relaxed about it there, too.”
“And now, those boundaries keep moving back. Maybe not as fast as they did in Europe, but they’re moving. Sometimes I feel like I’m catching myself up with where they were supposed to be all along…other times, I stop, an’ hit the brakes, and tell Dick I ain’t ready. And whenever I get to the edge of my comfort zone, Dick’s just so…patient, y’know? Patient, an’ compassionate…and when I am ready to try somethin’ new, he helps me through it, he never rushes me.”
He leaned back in his seat, crossed his ankles, and slung one arm over the back of his chair, “I guess the only thing I find weird sometimes is our age difference. He’s twenty-five, I’m thirty-five. Sometimes I wonder if others look at us and think I’m a cradle robber.” He lifted his eyes again to look meet Ollie’s with a smirk, “An’ then I remember, I don’t actually give a crap anymore what anyone thinks. Everyone who matters to me has been told, or in your case, found out the hard way, an’ every one of ‘em is happy for us. Even Bats is lightening up about it.” He looked aside and sighed, “Aaaand then there’s Wally. That’s a whole other story.”
“Any of those boys is gonna be a whole ‘nother story, you ask me.” Ollie finished his tea and sat back as well. “Wally, Roy — there’s ex-Titans mishmash and crossed lines going on there that I don’t think anybody outside of those three has a chance in hell of untangling. I hope you’re not taking that on, Guy! It’ll just leave you exhausted and wondering why the hell you even tried.”
Ollie scrunched half his face to emphasize this point. As much as he’d watched Dick and Wally grow up alongside Roy, watched the bond they had as Teen Titans and then regular Titans, the relationship thing among the boys had always seemed … strained, impenetrable to any outside eyes. “Not that I’m saying you’re doomed to failure, but it would be a lot to deal with when you’re just trying to get out of that special euphoria of ‘vacation romance’ limbo-land and incorporate you and Dick into everyday life. It’s probably good that you’re opposites in that way, I can see that — Dick’s already so comfortable being who he is, among us, so he can slip back into that and bring you along with him, kind of. At least a little.”
Making a mental note to himself to check in with Bruce, see how he was doing with all this, Ollie bumped ankles with Guy again. “And I don’t think ten years is so much of an age difference! Once the younger partner’s in their twenties, age gaps don’t matter as much, all other things being equal. And considering how active a love life Dick had before you two got together, you can be assured that don’t *nobody* think of him as too young for any kind of relationship.” He paused, then grinned, “—of course, you *are* talking to me here. Dinah had a lot of, er, concerned parties asking her if she was *sure* she wanted to get involved with somebody so much older.”
Guy held up his hands, “Oh, no, I ain’t playin’ relationship counsellor between those three. For one thing, I’ve heard all of Dick’s side of the story in that and not theirs, and for another, hell, I’m Dick’s new lover, so I don’t think they’d ever believe I’d be objective even after hearin’ all sides; I can’t counsel people who likely won’t trust me. I know a losing battle when I see one.”
“You’re right though, Dick’s pretty comfortable with his identity. That self-assuredness really rubs off on ya. I feel more at ease with how I might be viewed when I’m around him, it…it just helps.” Guy chuckled until his shoulders bounced a bit, “He’s like my wingman for comin’ out. Not that I really need that, in our crowd. You were right, the League folk have all been real accepting, just like you said they’d be, but…I still like havin’ Dick there, just for my own ease of mind, y’know?”
“Maybe I am biased, but I think Dick’s better off now, even if he hadn’t hooked up with me after their break up. He’s got a healthier perspective now than he did two or three months ago. If one or both of the other two can accept the new Dick Grayson, then who knows, maybe there’s hope for them? At the very least, they could be civil to one another; it’s wearing on Dick and I’m startin’ to get kinda pissed off about the crap he’s takin’ from Wally an’ the silent treatment from Roy…”
Too late, Guy remembered who he was speaking to, and wished he hadn’t said it. He immediately offered Ollie a contrite look of sympathy and apology. There was absolutely no disputing that Roy’s cutting off contact with everyone hurt Ollie and his family infinitely more than it did Dick. “I’m sorry, Ollie, that was a stupid thing to say. Roy’s not singling out Dick for that,” he murmured, “An’ Dick’s not the worst affected by it by a long shot.”
“It’s okay,” Ollie said, giving a rather wan smile to reassure Guy. “I know there’s other people affected by his radio silence. I have an additional sense of responsibility, though, y’know? Like, this desperate kneejerk reaction to fix it. This last time he wrote me about the Committee, half of it was ‘back off, let me do this at my own pace, stop holding my hand, old man’ and the other half was ‘you probably deleted this message anyway without reading it and I know you can’t stand me’.” He rolled his neck out, wincing at the crack. “I mean, what’m I supposed to do with that? It kicks up every instinct I have to go hunt him down right away, let him know I want him back and I love him.”
Ollie picked at a loose thread on the hem of his shirt, wrapping it around his finger as he candidly spilled his fretting and worries to Guy. “Wally and Dick have it rough too. I don’t blame you for getting het up seeing how Roy’s treating Dick … he keeps on trying to connect with Roy and getting just *brutally* shot down, and it’s hard to watch that. Especially since you started getting close to Dick right at the messiest point of his and Roy’s relationship deteriorating.”
He poked the purply tip of his finger against his knee and frowned. “Guy,” Ollie asked, “how much d’you know about this fear toxin that Dick’s been suffering from? He was Patient Zero, right? So he’s had this stuff percolating through him since … hmmm … since he was bitten by that snake? And that was fuckin’ *ages* ago.” He sat forward, untangling his finger and absently shaking circulation back into it. “I agree with you that he’s in a healthier place, and a lot of that has to do with being able to talk with you and not be bound up in that clusterfuck of a threeway, but I’m also wondering just how *long* he’s had this toxin in him, compromising his judgement.”
Because the idea of *that* … had a shitload of implications that came along with it.
“Compromising his…” the thought struck Guy like a hammer. “Oh, Jesus…” He exhaled a long breath through pursed lips so it almost came out as a whistle, and he leaned back, dragging a hand through his hair.
All the decisions Dick had made in that time, every one, could be called into question. Committee votes, his actions during any League emergency responses or missions, even any arrests he made while on duty as a police officer, if they wanted to get picky about it. Even judgement regarding his personal relationships could considered questionable - ALL of his relationships. Guy pushed that from his mind; he was not going there right now. This was about Dick, not about himself.
“Ols,” he said slowly, carefully, “This…this is still lunch, right? Not one of your interviews? We’re stayin’ off the record here, aren’t we? Because what you just said…it’s…holy shit. That snake bite…was that before the whole EC thing?”
“This is totally off the record.” Ollie sharpened up as Guy grew visibly more concerned, and rightly so. A compromised member of the Batfamily was nothing to sneer at, considering the sheer amount of intel and influence any given member of that clan had both within the League and in a more personal sphere. “Although it may come up for me later during the interviews, I’m telling you that now. Especially since Dick was originally going to be double-blinding me and conducting his own investigation.”
He scrubbed his knuckles against his knees. “The snake bite was a good while before there was any rumbling of Eden Corps — at least a couple of months, maybe longer. Before you returned to Earth duty, I think.” Ollie winced in sympathy. What the fuck would it be like to learn that the person you’d just started a relationship with had been under the influence of a *fear toxin* the whole time you’d been getting to know each other, the whole time you’d been courting?
Blowing out his breath loudly, Ollie stared intently at Guy. “How could this have gone on so long?” he asked, not even sure if there was an answer — at least, not one that anybody but Dick could give. “Jesus, this is distressing. What a fucking astronomical lapse, man, from every angle. Has Dick even been capable of making reasoned decisions all this time?”
Guy scrubbed his hands over his face, taking it all in. “How would we even test that to begin with?” he asked himself as much as Ollie. “He’s clear of the toxin now, so whatever psych tests were done now would probably only match whatever his last nominal test was, and what do you wanna bet that was long before the snake bite? I mean, what do we do, just ask him and just take his word for it?”
He tried to recall what the doctors and Batman had managed to piece together. “There was the snake bite…but it required something else. He didn’t become contagious until he was attacked in France. He said he fell ill after that. It was some kind of…catalyst, they said? So. Maybe things just got a lot worse after the attack in France? Maybe he wasn’t so bad before that, before his leave of absence?”
Guy realized as he was saying it how hopeful he sounded, and not really in a good way; it was more like in a grasping-at-straws kind of way. It was neither critical thinking, nor objectivity, nor was it helpful to the difficult problem that lay before these two veterans: sorting out this clusterfuck.
“Okay, so: it’s possible this fear toxin was entirely dormant before the added component of it got brewed in and made a … terror nitroglycerin?” Ollie tugged his beard. “That sounds feasible. Maybe we’re being optimistic about this, and it’s not that I would say that Dick’s, uh…” he cast about for a moment for the right word, and finally offered, “…totally ineffectual right now, but he’s been…”
Ollie sighed. “Keep in mind that I’ve known Dick since he was a puppy, and that’s the knowledge of him I’m building on,” he said. “To me, lately, he’s seemed so groundless, indecisive, even mean-spirited. Dick’s always been the most accepting and open of all those kids, and even though I know things with Roy and Wally have driven him to despair and they’re all three of them as self-involved as being in your twenties demands, I’ve never seen him *mean*. And fear makes people mean, and unable to make decisions, doesn’t it.” It wasn’t really a question. You never knew what you’d get when you talked to a GL about fear, after all.
“Truth is, I’m not sure *what* we’re dealing with, now that this has come to light. And I don’t know how much it could have affected Dick, or his emotions, or how we would go about finding that all out.” Ollie shook his head, reaching forward to grasp Guy’s shoulder. “Maybe the only thing we can do now is ask Dick about it, and start again from scratch. Try not to think about the possibilities.”
Guy tilted his head, frowning in confusion. “Mean-spirited? Really? It’s not that I don’t believe ya Ols, but can you give me an example, ‘cause I haven’t observed it myself, or at least don’t remember?” Ollie was right, fear made people do all kinds of things, and Dick wasn’t immune to that. He reminded himself again to stay objective.
“Ask Dick, it’s pretty much all we can do, Ols. Look, he trusts both of us, and if we approach this right he’ll be straight with us. How about you an’ me just meet with him, an’ like you said, start from the beginning. No prejudgements, just ask his help in analyzing this?”
“He’s said some things that’ve taken me aback, because they weren’t …” Ollie pursed his mouth, “…they didn’t *seem* like him. I haven’t stored ‘em up content-wise so I can’t whip out any quotable examples, but I know I’ve had that reaction more than a couple of times.” Considering for a moment, he added, “People change. Just because I see Dick a certain way doesn’t mean he shouldn’t ever deviate from that; he’s a young man, he’s far from ‘finished’, as it were. From my perspective it’s with Damian where a lot of his behaviour has changed, although that’s not the only place. And I’m sure there’s a lot more to his relationship with Damian than I’m privy to. But all the same it’s jarring.”
Sighing, Ollie rubbed one of his forearms until it was tingling. “And yeah, that’s a sound proposal. Do you wanna broach the subject with him, or should I? I’m kinda worried that it’ll come out of the blue if I do it, as opposed to you as his —” Ollie hesitated for a moment, obviously cycling through a few words in his head first before venturing, “—boyfriend?”
Guy gave him a kind smirk, a small spot of humour in an otherwise bleak turn of conversation, “Boyfriend works. Anything works. Partner might be a little confusing, considering Kyle’s role with me. One of these days I should tell you about this therapist we were seeing for couples counselling,” he chuckled, “That was an adventure in misunderstandings.”
He nodded at Ollie’s suggestion, “I can broach it with him, then I was thinking the three of us can talk to him about it. Something casual, friendly, non-threatening. I think Dick will cooperate as much as he can in those conditions.”
“I’ll take your word on the meanness…I know Damian’s frustrated him lately, and it’s complicated, what with Bruce returning, Damian accusing Dick of abandoning him. Nothing is really simple with Damian, it would be bound to affect Dick too. He thinks the world of that kid.”
The momentary levity of Adventures in Confusing Titles for People was welcome, especially considering what the conversation necessarily went back to. “Casual and friendly is probably best, you’re right,” he nodded. “I was trying to figure out if you should play Personal Cop and I’d play Professional Cop, but let’s face it — there’s a fair amount of both for both of us when it comes to Dick.” It wasn’t as if Ollie’d had a personal relationship with Dick on the same level as Guy, of course, but he’d known the kid so long. The way you knew your kid’s best friend, who happened to be the child of one of your own best friends. It was at once strange and comforting to think about.
Which brought them to the next thing.
“I wouldn’t characterize Damian’s feelings of abandonment as accusations,” Ollie said, musingly. “He’s *got* reasons to have abandonment issues, shitloads of ‘em, from all angles. Even if you don’t take into account the longstanding parental ones, there’s just this summer spent pinballing from one place to the next.” Taking a deep breath, Ollie looked at Guy, his brow furrowing in sadness. “Damian … the way he’s reacting to this, it’s so much like my kids, all of ‘em. Which is really saying something considering how varied in temperament they all are. I dunno, there’s probably a whole checklist of behaviours for kids who’ve been through abandonment — I don’t know them, though I should. But that’s what I’m seeing with Damian, the same patterns I saw in Roy and Connor and Mia, right down to Lian, even.
“And considering how much I love my own, I’m not saying Dick doesn’t care for his brother. I’m only saying he’s in a very shaky place personally right now, and he might not be capable of as much compassion as Damian needs. God knows I’ve been there.”
“I didn’t say they were false accusations, Ollie,” Guy shrugged. “I agree, the boy’s got major issues, he’s screaming for stability and consistency and though he’ll be the last to admit it, love. Perhaps Dick isn’t capable of as much compassion as Damian needs, but…he ain’t his guardian anymore. I’m more worried about whether Bruce has as much compassion as Damian needs. He isn’t exactly big in the demonstrative love department.”
Guy constructed a toothpick and slipped it into his mouth, idly playing with it as he continued, “Wait, are…are we talkin’ about how to help Damian, here, or are we talkin’ about Dick bein’…mean to him?”
“I dunno. Both. Neither?” Ollie shrugged as well. “I only meant to clarify what I’d said, not really get into the whole thing. Once I get on a roll it’s hard to curb myself.” He smiled wryly; it wasn’t like Guy didn’t already know that.
“But yeah, Damian and the care and feeding of is Bruce’s issue, and even more than that, a Bat-family issue and not directly relevant to what we’re talking about here. Which is rapidly becoming broader in scope than I think the two of us can analyze, without Dick himself.” Ollie stopped and turned his feet sideways, bringing the soles together as he pondered.
“Honestly,” he said, “I don’t even know how much business it is of mine, the personal aspect of it. The more I think about it, maybe I really *should* stick to talking to him professionally — I have an interview scheduled with him, after all. I can do all the talking about fear toxin that I need to then.” Ollie twitched his nose. “I’m gonna leave the personal side of it in your hands, Guy. You’re his lover and closest friend, you have the best idea of where Dick’s head is at right now and how much he’s capable of dealing with. Last thing I wanna do is blunderbuss in there and make him feel like he’s being attacked. I just want —” he rubbed his eyes and then the long bridge of his nose, “—christ, I just want the boys to be okay again. It seems like they’ve all been spiralling for months, now.”
“If that’s how you’d prefer it,” Guy raised an eyebrow, wondering what caused Ollie’s change of mind. “I think Dick would feel more attacked in a formal inquiry session with one person in an official setting than he would something informal with two friends, but that’s just my opinion.”
He locked his fingers together and placed them behind his head and leaned back, “Give ‘em time. They’re old friends, Ols, practically brothers. They’ll work it out. Hell, we did, and we’re not as close as they’ve all been,” he gave Ollie a smirk.
“I guuuueessssss,” Ollie said in a doubtful whine, his expression telegraphing quite clearly how much be believed in the ex-Titans’ abilities to smooth things over among them. Then he waved his hands around, sitting forward to the edge of his chair. “But enough! It’s not my business and I need to learn how to keep my nose outta their personal lives, because it’s better if they handle it themselves.
“The formal interview has to happen anyhow, so it’s better if I talk to Dick about it then — especially since he was supposed to be doing his own set of interviews. I think he’ll understand where I’m coming from, ‘cause of that angle.” Ollie nodded to himself, then patted his knees briskly before standing up.
“I’m glad we had the chance to do this,” he said, smiling at Guy. “It’s always a relief when somebody gives you an opportunity to talk about things you didn’t realize you needed so *much* to talk about, y’know?”
Guy had been leaning back on his chair, balanced on the rear two legs. When Ollie slapped his knees, Guy made to get up immediately as well, and almost fell all the way back over. His chair rocked forward and the front legs landed on the office carpet with a loud thud as Guy bounced up out of his seat.
“Me too, Ols,” Guy grasped his hand firmly and gathered their trays. “I’ll take these back to the cafeteria and let ya get back to work. Anytime you wanna unload, about Roy, work, whatever’s on your mind, just give me a shout, buddy. Let me know how things go with Dick on your end, if ya can, okay?” he asked from the doorway, carrying their dishes.
“As much as the investigative procedure’ll allow me,” Ollie said, smiling gratefully as Guy efficiently gathered up their lunch remains. “And if you uncover anything pertinent on your end, same goes, huh?”
He rounded the desk to sit back in it more officially, shuffling his stack of papers with a sigh. “Meanwhile, back to the grind. Take care, Gardner.”