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thejusticelounge2013-06-18 02:07 pm
bossymarmalade) wrote in thejusticelounge2013-06-18 02:07 pm
Entry tags:
scars
They were curled up in one another’s arms in Dick’s secret alcove aboard the Watchtower. After escaping the media zoo the previous night, followed by a romantic night in a Parisian hotel, it was nice to Zeta beam back to this the next morning. It was still the wee hours of the day on the station, since it was synced with Eastern Standard Time, so things were quiet, and they were wide awake.
Bette rested her head on his chest, pleased that for the moment, he was back in his Nightwing costume. His hand caressed her shoulder absently, and she craned her neck to look up and see a far-away look on his face. Something was on his mind…
“Tell me what you’re thinking?” she asked him softly.
His hand gently rubbed her shoulder, but that was the only reminder that he was with someone; in his thoughts, Dick was back to a series of cold, rainy Bludhaven nights that blurred together into one mass. It had been a long time since he’d really held a lover, longer since his lover was female. He felt vulnerable not being held and sheltered by someone else, but it was a good vulnerable. Not /that kind/ of vulnerable.
That kind of vulnerable meant so many worse things.
“Nothing, Cat—” His hand tightened on her shoulder for a moment before continuing its soft caresses. ”Nothing, Bette. Just…ghosts, I guess.” He kissed her forehead. ”Nothing you should have to worry about.”
She wasn’t buying a word of it, especially not after Oliver Queen had told her Dick was burdened by an issue he had been struggling to tell her for some time. She also didn’t miss his near-calling her Catwoman, but jealousy had no place here and now. She was only one of many, but she reaffirmed to herself, she was his, and had nothing to fear.
“Hey…” she gently took his hand in hers and kissed it tenderly, turning herself to see his face fully. “Partners, remember? I’ll face anything with you, Dick: ghosts, worries, anything.” She punctuated this with pressing the back of his hand to her cheek. “I’m here for you, Love.”
His eyes fell onto her cheek, almost studying the way it pressed against his hand; it was easier than meeting her eyes. ”It’s not… I know you are, it’s….” He bit his lip and his gaze trailed down to his lap. Ollie said it would be good for him to tell her, that if Dick really did want this relationship to go anywhere, she of all people would have to know. She’d listen. She wouldn’t judge him or hate him. /Bette loves me./
Dick took a deep breath and swallowed hard. ”Have you wondered why I said I won’t… I can’t— I’m not ready to have sex with you?”
“Well…” she thought carefully how to phrase it, “I haven’t dwelled on it too much. This may sound a little self-absorbed of me, but I sort of assumed it was because I’m a virgin, and we’d agreed to take it slow.”
She lowered his hand from her face and held it on her lap, in both her hands, gently rubbing her thumbs over his knuckles. “If there’s more to it, I would like to know. Whatever it is, Dick, it won’t change my feelings for you. I won’t pressure you into something you’re not ready for, but whatever it is, I’d like to help, if you’ll let me?”
Dick squeezed her hand gently, making a soft noise in thought. ”Well, it was. I mean, I wasn’t going to push you into something you didn’t want to do yet. I want to take it slow for you, but… a bit for me, too.”
He took a deep breath. He’d made it this far, he could do this. Just needed to go a little more…. But that was the hard part. To go a little more meant to actually say it aloud, and to say it to someone who didn’t /know/. A shudder ran through him and he squared his shoulders, staring at their hands. ”What do you know about Tarantula? Do you know she killed Blockbuster? Do you know I could’ve stopped her, but I didn’t?”
Bette’s eyes widened, unobscured by her goggled coif. “I knew Blockbuster was killed, but not who did it…or…” She knew he didn’t need to hear the rest parroted back to him, painful as it had obviously been for him to confess it in the first place. She squeezed his hand, her voice sympathetic for him, “Oh, Dick…”
Dick nodded slightly and stared hard at their hands. ”I don’t remember much after that, but I…remember it all, y’know? It’s just all rain and cold and…. For the next couple weeks, she took me— She wanted to keep going, and I just let her. Just…endless days of….”
Dick took a shaky breath, swallowing hard against the knot in his throat. He sounded almost hoarse when he finally spoke again, his voice barely above a whisper. ”She almost got me to marry her. But she wouldn’t call me ‘Dick’, always wanted me to be ‘Ricardo’….” His eyes were wide, flitting back and forth as if trying to make sense of what he was so vividly seeing. ”I just went wherever she did. What she did… I mean, I… for the longest time I thought I deserved it. I was being punished ‘cause I let him die….”
She couldn’t believe what she was hearing, and she was horrified for him. She released his hand, and reach up to cup his face. “No…no, Dick, no one deserves what happened to you. No one…”
Slowly, with all the care in the world, she guided his head to her shoulder, and embraced him, even rocking him slightly. “That will never again happen to you, Dick. Never again.”
He leaned against her stiffly, trying to hold back the rush of emotions threatening him. Then in one loud sob, Dick collapsed into her embrace, holding her tightly. He mumbled into her shoulder, starting and stopping unfinished thoughts. ”I can’t… Bette, what if she ruined me? What if I can’t…?”
He quieted his sobs, keeping his face buried in her shoulder. ”It’s not your fault, but sometimes I see her when we’re together — I think I do — in some movement or touch or word or something and I panic, and it’s not your fault!”
He hugged her tighter. ”Sometimes I still have nightmares about it….that she’ll come back and it’ll happen all over again. She’s made me scared of touches, Bette. I don’t want to be….” His hands kneaded her back, fingers instinctively curling and uncurling in an effort to calm himself.
She stroked the back of his dark head of hair, softly cooing and comforting him, letting him cry. She was crying with him. She kissed his temple, in some vain hope that it could take away his pain, erase the scars.
“It’s not your fault, either, Dick,” she rocked him gently, holding him tight, “It wasn’t your fault. And…I will help you, Love. I’ll do all I can, whatever you need, to face this. You don’t have to be alone, Dick. She can’t hurt you anymore, I swear it.”
“Don’t leave me alone,” he whispered between sobs. ”Don’t leave me alone. Bette—” He rested his chin on her shoulder, looking at the window through tear-filled eyes. Her ponytail drew his attention and he focused on it, reaching up to run his fingers through the golden strands. This was Bette. He could trust Bette. She wouldn’t hurt him. He was safe.
Dick tucked his face into her shoulder, his sobs much quieter now. He was reaching the point of numbness, but that was fine. They could work through this together later. They /would/ work through it together. Maybe even to the point he could actually talk about it coherently. Not now, though. He couldn’t do anymore talking now. That seemed to be OK, though; Bette seemed to understand him perfectly. ”…I love you.”
“I love you too, Dick…and I won’t leave you alone. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
She knew this was just the stormfront, the rushing flood waters of raw pain coming through what he’d held back all this time. This was what Ollie had been talking about, what Dick needed to release, and he’d felt safe enough to tell her. She’d do everything to make him continue feeling this safe.
Bette held him for as long as he needed, letting the storm ride itself out, letting him cry until he was out of tears, at least for the time being. They waited until he was composed, both inside and out, and then guided the exhausted and emotionally spent man to his quarters aboard the Tower. There, she helped Dick undress and into bed, then crawled carefully in behind him, spooned against his body, and held him around his chest. ”I’m here.”
Dick laid his hand over hers, cupping her hand. ”Thank you,” he whispered, already feeling exhaustion drag over him. He sighed, finally relaxed and worn out enough to just sleep. ”Bette….” He smiled softly as she hugged him, letting him know she was still there. He could sleep well tonight. Bette was watching over him.
Bette rested her head on his chest, pleased that for the moment, he was back in his Nightwing costume. His hand caressed her shoulder absently, and she craned her neck to look up and see a far-away look on his face. Something was on his mind…
“Tell me what you’re thinking?” she asked him softly.
His hand gently rubbed her shoulder, but that was the only reminder that he was with someone; in his thoughts, Dick was back to a series of cold, rainy Bludhaven nights that blurred together into one mass. It had been a long time since he’d really held a lover, longer since his lover was female. He felt vulnerable not being held and sheltered by someone else, but it was a good vulnerable. Not /that kind/ of vulnerable.
That kind of vulnerable meant so many worse things.
“Nothing, Cat—” His hand tightened on her shoulder for a moment before continuing its soft caresses. ”Nothing, Bette. Just…ghosts, I guess.” He kissed her forehead. ”Nothing you should have to worry about.”
She wasn’t buying a word of it, especially not after Oliver Queen had told her Dick was burdened by an issue he had been struggling to tell her for some time. She also didn’t miss his near-calling her Catwoman, but jealousy had no place here and now. She was only one of many, but she reaffirmed to herself, she was his, and had nothing to fear.
“Hey…” she gently took his hand in hers and kissed it tenderly, turning herself to see his face fully. “Partners, remember? I’ll face anything with you, Dick: ghosts, worries, anything.” She punctuated this with pressing the back of his hand to her cheek. “I’m here for you, Love.”
His eyes fell onto her cheek, almost studying the way it pressed against his hand; it was easier than meeting her eyes. ”It’s not… I know you are, it’s….” He bit his lip and his gaze trailed down to his lap. Ollie said it would be good for him to tell her, that if Dick really did want this relationship to go anywhere, she of all people would have to know. She’d listen. She wouldn’t judge him or hate him. /Bette loves me./
Dick took a deep breath and swallowed hard. ”Have you wondered why I said I won’t… I can’t— I’m not ready to have sex with you?”
“Well…” she thought carefully how to phrase it, “I haven’t dwelled on it too much. This may sound a little self-absorbed of me, but I sort of assumed it was because I’m a virgin, and we’d agreed to take it slow.”
She lowered his hand from her face and held it on her lap, in both her hands, gently rubbing her thumbs over his knuckles. “If there’s more to it, I would like to know. Whatever it is, Dick, it won’t change my feelings for you. I won’t pressure you into something you’re not ready for, but whatever it is, I’d like to help, if you’ll let me?”
Dick squeezed her hand gently, making a soft noise in thought. ”Well, it was. I mean, I wasn’t going to push you into something you didn’t want to do yet. I want to take it slow for you, but… a bit for me, too.”
He took a deep breath. He’d made it this far, he could do this. Just needed to go a little more…. But that was the hard part. To go a little more meant to actually say it aloud, and to say it to someone who didn’t /know/. A shudder ran through him and he squared his shoulders, staring at their hands. ”What do you know about Tarantula? Do you know she killed Blockbuster? Do you know I could’ve stopped her, but I didn’t?”
Bette’s eyes widened, unobscured by her goggled coif. “I knew Blockbuster was killed, but not who did it…or…” She knew he didn’t need to hear the rest parroted back to him, painful as it had obviously been for him to confess it in the first place. She squeezed his hand, her voice sympathetic for him, “Oh, Dick…”
Dick nodded slightly and stared hard at their hands. ”I don’t remember much after that, but I…remember it all, y’know? It’s just all rain and cold and…. For the next couple weeks, she took me— She wanted to keep going, and I just let her. Just…endless days of….”
Dick took a shaky breath, swallowing hard against the knot in his throat. He sounded almost hoarse when he finally spoke again, his voice barely above a whisper. ”She almost got me to marry her. But she wouldn’t call me ‘Dick’, always wanted me to be ‘Ricardo’….” His eyes were wide, flitting back and forth as if trying to make sense of what he was so vividly seeing. ”I just went wherever she did. What she did… I mean, I… for the longest time I thought I deserved it. I was being punished ‘cause I let him die….”
She couldn’t believe what she was hearing, and she was horrified for him. She released his hand, and reach up to cup his face. “No…no, Dick, no one deserves what happened to you. No one…”
Slowly, with all the care in the world, she guided his head to her shoulder, and embraced him, even rocking him slightly. “That will never again happen to you, Dick. Never again.”
He leaned against her stiffly, trying to hold back the rush of emotions threatening him. Then in one loud sob, Dick collapsed into her embrace, holding her tightly. He mumbled into her shoulder, starting and stopping unfinished thoughts. ”I can’t… Bette, what if she ruined me? What if I can’t…?”
He quieted his sobs, keeping his face buried in her shoulder. ”It’s not your fault, but sometimes I see her when we’re together — I think I do — in some movement or touch or word or something and I panic, and it’s not your fault!”
He hugged her tighter. ”Sometimes I still have nightmares about it….that she’ll come back and it’ll happen all over again. She’s made me scared of touches, Bette. I don’t want to be….” His hands kneaded her back, fingers instinctively curling and uncurling in an effort to calm himself.
She stroked the back of his dark head of hair, softly cooing and comforting him, letting him cry. She was crying with him. She kissed his temple, in some vain hope that it could take away his pain, erase the scars.
“It’s not your fault, either, Dick,” she rocked him gently, holding him tight, “It wasn’t your fault. And…I will help you, Love. I’ll do all I can, whatever you need, to face this. You don’t have to be alone, Dick. She can’t hurt you anymore, I swear it.”
“Don’t leave me alone,” he whispered between sobs. ”Don’t leave me alone. Bette—” He rested his chin on her shoulder, looking at the window through tear-filled eyes. Her ponytail drew his attention and he focused on it, reaching up to run his fingers through the golden strands. This was Bette. He could trust Bette. She wouldn’t hurt him. He was safe.
Dick tucked his face into her shoulder, his sobs much quieter now. He was reaching the point of numbness, but that was fine. They could work through this together later. They /would/ work through it together. Maybe even to the point he could actually talk about it coherently. Not now, though. He couldn’t do anymore talking now. That seemed to be OK, though; Bette seemed to understand him perfectly. ”…I love you.”
“I love you too, Dick…and I won’t leave you alone. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
She knew this was just the stormfront, the rushing flood waters of raw pain coming through what he’d held back all this time. This was what Ollie had been talking about, what Dick needed to release, and he’d felt safe enough to tell her. She’d do everything to make him continue feeling this safe.
Bette held him for as long as he needed, letting the storm ride itself out, letting him cry until he was out of tears, at least for the time being. They waited until he was composed, both inside and out, and then guided the exhausted and emotionally spent man to his quarters aboard the Tower. There, she helped Dick undress and into bed, then crawled carefully in behind him, spooned against his body, and held him around his chest. ”I’m here.”
Dick laid his hand over hers, cupping her hand. ”Thank you,” he whispered, already feeling exhaustion drag over him. He sighed, finally relaxed and worn out enough to just sleep. ”Bette….” He smiled softly as she hugged him, letting him know she was still there. He could sleep well tonight. Bette was watching over him.