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thejusticelounge2013-06-25 09:30 am
bossymarmalade) wrote in thejusticelounge2013-06-25 09:30 am
Entry tags:
tower power
TXT: Let’s say the Watchtower, I know Star City makes you itch.
TXT: I’m up here anyway, needed some time to do work without protestors outside or worrying I’m accidentally closing a door on invisiMia
TXT: a little bit alarming how this shit hasn’t worn off.
Kyle decided to meet her in the Observatory, because it was generally empty after the Tower School and it was incredibly quiet. Maybe almost too quiet. He had gotten Mr Terrific to help him rewire this entire part of the floor for sound (for the karaoke room mostly) so Kyle took advantage of this.
He sent Kate a text, letting her knew where he was, and then started fiddling with the satellite radio, trying to find musak that was unobtrusive but also not too boring. Something cool and fun…Kyle settled on some sort of 60’s/70’s World Music Folk playlist, and waited for Kate. He almost wished he had a sketchbook, right now.
While Kate hated to admit it, she did sort of feel some trepidation in talking to Kyle. It’d been such a weird thing, lately, touch and go at the best of times. The situation made her sad, considering that he was her mejor amigo, and she was frustrated with herself more than anything else—frustrated that she couldn’t seem to figure out how to reach him, frustrated that she didn’t seem to have anything to help or to give, frustrated that she was turning into a little ball of near-explosive frustration and nothing else.
At least she hadn’t started thinking Godfrey was right about her, yet.
A walk was doing her good, though, getting out of her suite and wandering through the corridors, doing the perfunctory greetings. She stopped by the canteen to pick up a couple of milkshakes, and made it to the observatory before they could even get un-frosty. Kyle was fussing with something vaguely tech-looking that looked like a radio (though around here it could be something completely different, so she knew not to assume).
“Hola,” she said, lips quirking as she walked in. Kyle never could keep his hands still; he must have been one of those kids who was told to sit on them during story hour. “I brought some refreshments.” Possibly in a vague peace offering sense, though she wasn’t exactly sure why her psyche felt the need to do that.
“Que onda,” Kyle said, not really questioning, but just saying it as he hustled over, automatically taking his milkshake. He coaxed shake from the straw, bobbing to the beat of a sweet little ditty about a pair of rollerskates. Yep. This was a good playlist choice.
And this was a good milkshake. Kyle had recently adopted the tactic of just accepting whatever food was given to him, in order to jog his appetite back to normalcy. At least the taste of ashes was finally dissipating. he smiled at Kate gratefully. ”Mmmm. Muy bien, gracias hermana. Vamos…”
It was an auditorium style set up in the observatory, large steps for people to sit and lean against if they wanted. Kyle had constructed a series of pillows and cushions, beautifully rendered and detailed in both style and plush. He took her over, flopping backwards onto a pile of them and tugging her down as well.
Putting the milkshake aside, Kyle leaned closer to her, sliding his arms around her waist and leaning his mouth and chin into the crook of her neck. She was lightly perfumed. Or maybe it was just her soap, or her shampoo. Regardless, Kyle held Kate quietly and breathed in deeply. He nestled her for a long while.
Kyle was apparently listening to random novelty singles from the 70s, which made Kate raise an eyebrow a little, though she guessed there was worse music out there. At least he seemed to be enjoying it, and enjoying the shake, which was good to see. Damn, they really needed a shrink in the League, she thought for not the first time, but apparently psychiatrists didn’t moonlight much as costumed heroes.
She trailed along behind him a little, sipping her milkshake (vanilla, okay, shut up, no seriously shut up), as she went along. It was all very sweet and cute, and despite herself, she found she was swaying a little to the music. That is, until she was gently manhandled down into a pile of green pillows and found a Kyle cuddling her.
Not that it wasn’t enjoyable.
Kate closed her eyes for a moment, felt a little bit of the tension that dogged her lately ease. She was way too wound up lately, though it was hard for it to completely go away. It almost made her want to cry, though she wouldn’t, definitely not.
After a moment, she murmured, seeing as Kyle wasn’t saying anything, “Estás bien, ese?”
“Si si, muy bien mami,” Kyle said back quietly, letting her go finally and flicking at his knees for a long moment as a crooning song from India started, soft and mild. He looked over at her and smiled. It was odd, the difference in getting back on track with all the people in his life. Some were easier than others, not that either scenario was good or bad. It just was. Kate was easy, he thought, but then it became un-easy. Or maybe it was still easy, but situations around them made it hard. Or…
“I dunno, I mean…” Kyle turned more towards her, reaching out to stroke her arm. He craved contact and he’d forgotten how Kate’s skin felt under his hand. She still felt good - heated and dry, soft and smooth. ”Are we okay? I feel okay, and I don’t feel…bad.” Kyle’s words were lost again, but he kept eye contact with Kate, peering intently into her dark eyes.
“I dunno why, I’m just. Stepping carefully? And I figured you were too. Even though all I want is to hang out at your place in LA and eat all your frozen tamales out of your freezer and marathon all the episodes of Doctor Who that I missed…”
He shifted a bit closer. “And drink your coffee,” he added belatedly. Kate made great coffee. “Why is it so weird right now?” It was slightly rhetorical, but Kyle still wanted her to answer. At least it might get them talking, somehow.
Kate stretched a little—somehow the music made her want to shift, stretch out into cushions or maybe fall asleep with lots of cuddles involved. Or maybe she was just that damn tired thanks to all the stress in her life at the moment. Or maybe she needed to stop analyzing things and just live a little bit.
She cocked her head, though, as Kyle spoke, opening her eyes and looking back at him. “We’re okay if you’re okay,” she said, brow furrowing a little as she tried to parse the usual rambling Kyle-speak, which drifted several different ways and slid off into vagueness. “I was stepping carefully because you were all over the place, you know?” she said. “You were…I didn’t know what you wanted. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do to make it work, so I didn’t…I didn’t really do anything.”
After a second, Kate cleared her throat. “Also, you didn’t miss any Doctor Who. It’s not on for a couple weeks yet,” she added, as if her brain had latched onto that as an Important Thing. “Kyle…I’m sorry. I should have tried harder, but I didn’t know what to do and it wasn’t easy like it usually is, to understand. Nothing seems easy right now, not even breathing.” Though that was really vague and metaphysical, saying that.
Kyle reclined more as she did, almost copying her repose, but balanced enough that he could grab at and drink more of his milkshake. Or was this her milkshake? Whatever, he liked vanilla, it was mild and uninteresting and yet still really tasty.
He was about to shake his head and assure her that everything was fine, but…it was Kate. When she gave an apology, she wasn’t doing it to get dismissed and told she was being silly for even worrying in the first place. Not that he actually thought she was at fault; not that she did either beyond it just being A Certain Situation between them at the moment. What he always loved about Kate was how she treated him with care. He always wanted to do the same for her.
“I…I get it. I feel like everyone’s stressing out for all sorts of reasons. I’m watching the news a lot now, I can see what you’re trying to deal with. I never realized just how much you had to…deal with. And happy or not, elopement or not - marriage can be pretty…yeah. Yikes.” Kyle hummed a little under his breath. “I’m sorry too. I mean, you’re right - I was all over the place, I didn’t know anything. I was just existing and…” He smiled at her.
“Wanna hear something kind of awful? I was kinda relieved that we were avoiding each other. I missed you so badly, but I didn’t want you to have to deal with me, not when I was that way.”
Kate was pretty sure Kyle was drinking her milkshake, but whatever. Lantern power meant he couldn’t give her any germs unless he had the space flu again or something of that nature. At least, that’s how she thought it was supposed to work.
Pushing the mental ramble away, she refocused on what she was trying to tell Kyle. For once he seemed to really get it on the first try, that things clicked for him, and her relief was palpable. “It’s not like I didn’t want to deal with you because things were too much,” she said, wanting him to know that. “Just that I…hell, ese, I’ve started doubting what I can actually do. How good I really am. No matter how many friends and family tell me that I’m awesome, people tearing at me seem to wear it away. I thought I was better than that.”
She grinned a little, though, thinking about being married. “And yeah, getting married’s a big deal thing, but it’s been a good thing. And you, just existing, that’s okay. That’s sometimes what you have to do. I just…I didn’t know if I should snap you out of it, or if that was where you needed to be to get healthy, or what the hell.”
After a second of drinking the other milkshake (mint, and a lurid but not shamrock green), she said, “But I was sorta relieved too. It meant I didn’t have to think so hard about being a failure as a mejor amiga along with everything else. And that’s really awful, making it All About Me.”
“I get it,” Kyle said, nodding in understanding. It was a little incredible just how much he was understanding Kate right now. Maybe it was a stepping stone for both of them - she was being really candid, and he was really paying attention to what she was saying…pretty awesome in the bigger picture. He wanted to keep that ball rolling.
“I know that…ahhhh. I know I sometimes might make you feel a bit pressured, maybe. Or maybe I just worry that I do. A pressure to be, like, perfect. Not that you’re on a pedestal or anything, but more…” Kyle wanted to say ‘like a mother’, but he edited himself. “Like a big sister. I guess.” He turned a little red, all things considered of their past. A past he still daydreamed about in the shower. ”The whole ‘good old dependable Kate, she’ll always know what to do’ kinda deal, which y’know. Isn’t fair to you when you’re dealing with shit. Who do you have to big sister you? Queen?” Kyle wondered out loud. Everyone needed someone like that. Someone who’d always ‘be there’, so to speak.
He exchanged the milkshakes with her. He liked the spearminty one better anyway. ”And you’re not making it all about you! We’re talking about me and you, amiga. I wanna hear this stuff.”
In a slightly impulsive mood (man, it felt good to be impulsive again), Kyle leaned in closer to her, tiliting his head to kiss her. A light kiss, but lingering enough.
“Like a big sister,” Kate said, slightly skeptically, though her tone was also pretty damn amused at the same time. “Like a sexy big sister of awesome and not-actually-relatedness, I’m hoping. Otherwise your brain is a weird place to be, ese. I think I read a fanfic like that once.” Supposedly there was Kate/Kyle fic out there, though Kate mostly steered away from stuff with her in it and stuck to stuff that was amusing in its sheer wrongness, like every fangeek’s take on Hal and Ollie.
Then she sobered further, setting the milkshake aside and leaning in towards him a little, elbows smushing down into the construct pillows. “Kyle, cariño…my whole life is a pressure to be perfect. Not just you, and it’s not something you need to worry that you’re doing too much of…whatever. It’s all in my head already, you know?”
He was getting it, though, still, and she was glad for that, glad that they were able to talk instead of fumbling too hard around the conversation. They always usually got tripped up by things not seeming clear, or by their natural tendencies towards obfuscation of bigger issues. “Fine, fine, I forgot that you always wanna talk about me. Kate Spencer, attorney-at-law, que aburredo,” she said, but was cut off by Kyle leaning in to kiss her.
That was surprising. Kate kissing him back was just as surprising, though once she realized she was doing it, she shifted back a little, face heating. Hello, compañero was getting married, back off, Spencer.
Kyle pulled back as well, smiling slightly as he focused on her mouth. It was still curved and open slightly, a little shiny from the kiss. And damn did she taste right. He finally looked up at her, his smile expanding into a rather sunny grin.
“Waaaait. There’s fanfic about us?” Kyle said, huffing a laugh. I hope there’s fanart of us too. Rule 34, man. I want it to happen.” He could imagine it even - traced from a photograph of porn, graphic in all the wrong places and clearly drawn from someone who has yet to see genitals up close and personal. Kyle started laughing to himself, amused and self-conscious already, without even knowing if it was reality.
“Ahhhhh…” Okay. His concentration was shot to hell now. Between the milkshakes and cushions, the kiss and his overly active imagination, everything totally scattered in his brain (in an incredibly good way), and he found himself just chuckling like an awkward teenager who just heard the word ‘boobies’.
“You!” he exclaimed. ”Yes, si si we were talking about you. That’s right…that’s right.” Kyle flopped back on the cushions, staring up at the stars. “Fair enough. You putting pressure on yourself to be perfect, I mean. I don’t get it, but I know a lot of people like you. Guy’s like that, but…in a different way? Anyway, still doesn’t mean I should add to that pressure. I don’t want you to feel like I”m expecting anything from you. I’m not…” Kyle said, but there he was, eyes drifting down to look at her, and the gap in the collar of her shirt where he could see a glimpse of bra. it was black. Oh geez. He didn’t even know if it was right to be getting this excited right now. ”Or at least, I shouldn’t do that, not to you.”
Kyle had that look on his face like he wanted to draw her—she was beginning to recognize it—behind the ridiculously pleased dopey grin. The smile was infectious, and Kate laughed, throwing her head back into the cushions, because this was ridiculous but fun, and when was the last time she’d let herself have fun with a friend (even fun with kissing)?
Probably better not to answer that.
“Oh god, I’m sure there is,” she said. “I’ve seen it talked about but madre di dios, I just cannot read that kind of stuff. Probably seriously nasty. Like, I know there’s fanart too, and women are always sexualized like that anyway, but for me there’s just something about words, like you with art, si?”
She heaved a sigh at the talking about her part, a ‘do we have to’ sort of thing, but she let him do it even so. “I’m sure I could break it down if I tried, you know?” she said. “Make it a psychological profile. But you don’t wanna know all of that. It’s not your fault, Kyle, it isn’t.” Even if he was looking down her shirt while they were talking, and she let him know she knew by a raised eyebrow and a smirk.
“Nasty? You of all people know nasty can be great. Kate. Kate, ha ha. It’s great! We should read it together, maybe that’ll make it more funny and less freaky.” And maybe it wouldn’t exactly be a good idea, considering how sometimes, depending on where they were with their lives, Kate could really set his blood on fire. Even the thought of this stupid fanfic was making him excited, with her so close. He wasn’t quite sure what the chemistry formula was this time, but it was palpable. Just the way he remembered, before it all went to hell.
“When we’re both drunk,” he added belatedly and then rolled his eyes at himself. Right. Just keep talking, Casanova.
“Fair enough, I’m sure you could get totally academic about your own psych profile. Smart people are always good at assessments…maybe not so good with application?” He grinned up at her, taking one of her hands and massaging at the fleshy part of her palm, by the thumb. ”But whatever, it’s fine. I know what I gotta do to try and help you. And myself! Dual helping. I can be thoughtful when I want to be. And I’ve been thinking a lot about this. About you, and all.”
Kate was pretty sure she knew what reading dirty fanfic while drunk would lead to between her and Kyle. Even bad dirty fanfic, because then they’d try to outdo them or something and…right. Mind not going there. Even if there was pleasant to think about, except for the potential hangover the next day and the emotional consequences or something.
“You’re so smooth, Kyle Rayner,” she drawled with amused sarcasm, and gestured slightly with her cup. “Smooth like this milkshake, ay papi.” Admittedly there was a certain appeal to it all, the adorkability thing, or Kyle wouldn’t have had as many serious relationships as he had. Including the one he was in now, should she really be flirting? Kate figured Kyle knew his own limits and his relationship with Hal enough to keep boundaries. When sober, at least.
“And yeah, you’re right, I’m shitty at the application side of things. It’s always easy to give advice but not to take it. I could be all like ‘well, I had to grow up fast’ or ‘I have trust issues’, but that changes very little. The problem isn’t knowing what’s wrong with me, the problem is being able to actually effect change.” She kicked her feet out further so she could stretch her legs, then grinned cheekily at him. “Thinking a lot about me, you dog.”
God, it had gotten to the point where she’d deflect without even realizing it, she noticed, a few seconds later.
Kyle spaced out for a brief moment, when she called him ‘papi’. He hadn’t heard that since that last time they had special-time, way before any of them had settled and become…well where they are now.
“I still can’t believe you’re married,” he blurted. Or rather, thought aloud. “I just. I know it doesn’t make too much of a difference to someone on the outside, like me, but. Sometimes I still can’t believe it.” He wasn’t still quite sure how he felt about it, since he really just accepted that yeah - now Kate was married and no one died or got hurt in the process so all is well. But anything deeper than that - how he personally thought of it; and if he should have thoughts about it, even - hadn’t quite processed yet.
Kyle nodded as Kate spoke, watching her feet as she rotated her ankles and stretched her legs more. ”What does it mean? Effect change?” he asked, not to be deterred, no matter how much she was teasing and smiling adorably at him, nope. ”It sounds so…spin doctory, like something a politician would say. Kate for Mayor, haha.” He grinned at her.
Apparently thinking a lot about her in a different way wasn’t as much of a deflection joke as Kate thought, judging by the dazed look Kyle got and the sudden blurting out about her being married. There was something there that she wasn’t sure how to probe or examine—she knew how Kyle’d felt (awkward as hell) after Zee had gotten married, and this could be dangerous, going in without prep.
Better to leave it for now. Not when they were both emotionally ragged, even if they were remarkably in sync with actual understanding… Oh, maldita sea, why did things have to be so damn hard all the time?
She cleared her throat. “Effect change…okay, fine, you got me, it’s all PR and HR and politically correct talk. It means to push something into actually happening, to set off that chain reaction that leads to something changing, sabes? It’s hard to push myself into taking good advice, or to not do something stupid, when I’ve got that kind of disordered thinking in place in the first place, years and years of it.”
Snorting, Kate added, “And I’d be a shitty mayor, oh my god. Everyone else would be a better mayor than me. Kyle…is it a problem that I’m married?” Well, fine, she did just end up spitting it out, despite herself. Maybe she was past giving all the fucks.
“Ha!” Kyle barked. He couldn’t help but be a little smug. He actually caught Kate in a thingie-thing to do with words and word-usage. “Y’know, I feel like…like post-Parallax I’ve become smarter! No, that’s not it. It’s just more like…attuned. And not because of Parallax…” Although now that Kyle thought about it, maybe it was more to do with Ion. But he wasn’t going to think about that right now. “I guess I’ve been wanting to try and rebuild and reconnect with everyone so badly, that I just, I want to notice everything, I want to see everything about my friends. Not take you for granted, sabes?”
He looked at Kate, and her interest and he grinned. Nope, he was not gonna be deflected off of talking about her, no matter how sweetly ‘curious and willing to talk about him’ that she was looking right now.
“I guess pushing yourself to change is something you gotta do yourself…but I ALSO guess that it’s good you told this to me, because now more people know that you tend to do this, and if people know then you’ll know that they know and they’ll be looking for when you don’t and then you’ll be held accountable for your actions. Boom - “Kyle fell back on the cushions, holding his arms up to the sky. “I am the master of figuring shit out!”
He was caught off guard by her question about her marriage, and all his smugness faded immediately. ”I…no? I mean. I think it’s great, I just.” There wasn’t really an ‘I just’ though. Kyle furrowed his brow, trying to figure it out. “I guess…it means…it means change. And…change…can…be…a lot. To. Get used to.” He looked up at her, hoping that she could elaborate on that. He wasn’t even sure if it was the real reason, but maybe it was part of it.
Kate held her hands (and milkshake) up in surrender. “You got me, okay, corporate speak, lawyer speak, whatever. It’s still important, being able to actually change myself.” She was about to say ‘you don’t ever take me for granted’, but realized she didn’t know how it worked in Kyle’s head. Maybe it felt like he didn’t really, but to him he was.
She tried to look cute and curious, but found her tactic failing miserably as Kyle came to his own conclusions. “Okay,” she said, flopping back and slurping the last of her milkshake. “Kyle Rayner is going to hold me accountable for my actions, I can handle this. I am an adult with talents and skills and not too many complexes…”
Even so, she lifted an eyebrow at ‘master of figuring shit out’, just because someone had to bring him back to earth. “Right, you keep telling yourself that, cariño…” she retorted, and was almost mollified by seeing him taken aback by her question, fraught with peril though it was.
However, his response wasn’t entirely what she’d anticipated, neither a deflection nor an outpouring of emotion, so she paused with a thoughtful expression. “It can be a lot to get used to,” she said. “But I mean, I’d understand if you had sort of a mixed take on it. Because I was all ‘not gonna settle down’ and now…well, I haven’t exactly, not entirely. It’s a big damn word, ‘married’, though. It makes people think different things.”
“It is important…” Kyle agreed, thinking about if he ever consciously worked at changing himself for the better. He was always learning new things and how to be one way and not another way, but. Was that the same as changing? He looked at Kate suddenly. “Not that I think there’s anything wrong with you right now, you know. Just so you know. I love you, no matter what.”
That…really kind of came out more awkward than it should’ve been, but. It was Kate and Kyle knew she’d understand. He smiled, taking her hands and kissing at her knuckles, then nudging against her fingers, clearly wanting to be stroked about his face.
”It’s weird, I’ll admit. Knowing that not even you, or Hal, or…anyway. That you guys are all still figuring out all this life shit too.” It’s not that he figured that anyone post-30 was suddenly perfection and clarity personified, but more…well. Kyle wasn’t sure what. Something to think about another day.
Right now, she’d asked about the marriage thing, he’d responded and he wanted to continue this conversation about a subject that’d laid fallow for a while in him. ”That’s right…you had been strongly opposed to the idea of you getting married again.” Memories of them lying on Kyle’s mattress in his room flitted into his mind, silver and vermilion paint and cold beer and summer heat. ”I’m glad you don’t feel guilty or anything for going ahead with it. You’re right that it definitely means different things for everyone, though. So like,” Kyle looked up at her. “What does it mean for you?”
It was awkward, but it made Kate smile, a real one, soft and a little dozy and very touched. “Te amo,” she said back. “Though there is stuff that’s wrong with me, okay, it’s no good pretending there’s not. It just…it’s not stuff that’s intrinsically hurtful to people or something.” She realized Kyle probably wouldn’t know what intrinsically meant, but she figured he’d get it from context.
To keep him from getting too hung up on it or confused, she ran her fingertips down his cheek and over his jaw a little. It was remarkably comforting, so she did it again, not pulling back, and suddenly understood just how stressed she’d been lately, that this could be so much of a lightbulb moment, a right and good thing.
“No one ever figures out life shit, I’m coming to figure this out. It’s the great secret of the world, people who look all together are actually coming apart at the seams, or at least feel like it. Being older doesn’t do much except add perspective,” she said, then cleared her throat a little, blushing and a bit embarrassed as he pointed out that she’d said she wasn’t interested in getting married again. She wasn’t guilty, no, and it had been how she’d felt, but it did seem odd now that she’d felt that way.
Kate figured Kyle was probably trying to collect perspectives on marriage and that was why he was asking, but his final question still gave her pause. “What does marriage mean for me, an essay by Kate Spencer,” she said in a rote sing-song reading voice, then shook it off. “I think…if you boil it down past all of people’s assumptions, it means two things: always having someone who you can absolutely trust, who has your back, and never running away from everything. Always being accountable.”
Kyle wasn’t sure what she was saying overall, but he kind of got the gist of it. ”Nobody’s perfect…and I don’t think anyone should be. Hah! Me and Guy had a talk about that once…” Kyle couldn’t remember which Guy it was, but that didn’t matter, it was still Guy. “He believed in..” Kyle made his face and expression more gruff, as he held up a finger. “Objectivity, striving for perfection. And I’m all like pro-subjectivity and learning from imperfections…just different opinions; but no one’s right, I guess.”
He closed his eyes as her fingers roamed along his face, light and feathery in some places, and then hard and slightly digging in others, like the hinge of his jaw. He almost purred from the feeling. She knew him, and he loved when people knew him.
He listened to her talk about people and their attempts at acting like they knew everything. It made a lot of sense. A lot, given how he’d seen people at their best and worst - Hal and his mom, Kate and hell, even J’onn. No one was exempt from falling apart.
“Always being accountable,” Kyle repeated, grinning slowly and opening his eyes to look at her. ”I like that. A-plus for you, Kate Spencer. I’m posting your essay on marriage on the corkboard for all the other kids to be jealous of. I mean…I dunno, first Clark and Zee, then you and Ollie…and then this —” Kyle looked at his left hand, and the plain band around his finger. “All totally different situations, but sometimes I feel like…ah. I dunno what I feel like. But I like your meaning, Ms Spencer,” Kyle teased her. ”Gracias.”
“I try not to strive for perfection, but I end up doing it anyway,” Kate said, shrugging one shoulder. “So maybe I’m somewhere between the two. Though maybe Guy wouldn’t be so hard on himself if he wasn’t trying so damn hard…” Admittedly, she sort of understood where he was coming from. It was almost impossible to shake the learned mindset from being a kid in that kind of situation.
“And hey, I don’t want the other kids to make fun of me for being teacher’s pet, cariño,” she teased, then tapped Kyle’s jaw as he opened his eyes, blushing a little at his response. Then she reached down and caught his left hand, lifting it up. “You know? De nada, but…you have to make this work for you, Kyle. You need to make it what you need it to be. And yet at the same time, that needs to be a healthy thing, just remember that. Yeah, Ollie and I have each other, but ‘forsaking all others’ doesn’t mean anything like not giving a damn about anyone else. I’m not saying you’ll do that…I just know people expect couples to be all glued at the hip and hivemind and to me that’s unhealthy, si?”
For a brief moment of dread, Kate hoped she wasn’t like that without realizing it. Hopefully someone would say something to her if she was, having declared how much she hated it.
“Yeah…I guess you’re in the middle. And he’s just hard on himself because he really wants to be admired…” Kyle rubbed his mouth, suddenly conscious of where they were right now. “Despite quitting the League and all that jazz. But. If that’s what he wanted…”
Kyle still wasn’t quite sure what was going on with all of that. Guy had acted so odd when they met at his trailer, Kyle still felt like a lot of it was rehearsed, or at least put on for Kyle’s benefit. Things seemed more natural at Mia’s Park Fun Day, but Kyle still couldn’t shake that feeling.
He listened to her, and then his brow furrowed as memories of how some people saw him and Hal resurfaced in his mind. How Kyle spent all his time in Coast City with Hal, lost his own opinion and neglected his friends. “I know what you mean, believe me. It’s kind of why I don’t…show it. I know now no one thinks that way, but. When some people did, I just wanted to bury my feelings for Hal away. It was…” Kyle looked down at Kate’s hand, laced with his own. “Me daba vergüenza.” For more reasons than just what others thought, but Kyle didn’t want to talk about that with anyone but his dead mother. She was the only one he needed to make peace with.
He shook his head to clear the ugly thoughts. Most of them didn’t exist anymore, he knew that. It was hard to let go of how much it hurt him, but he was trying. “We’ll figure it out. Hal’s in no hurry and neither am I. And for the record, I think you and Ollie are separate entities. Christ, you’re even keeping your own apartment, haha. But I get it - you need your space…y’know that’s what Hal said too? He said I needed a place that was just my own space, to get away from everything and everyone.” Kyle nodded peacefully and then scrunched his face in an insouciant manner.
“And yeah, okay, I agree with him on that. Oh my god, I guess that means I agree with Hal about everything, forever! Someone, find my backbone, please! Ahaha.”
TXT: I’m up here anyway, needed some time to do work without protestors outside or worrying I’m accidentally closing a door on invisiMia
TXT: a little bit alarming how this shit hasn’t worn off.
Kyle decided to meet her in the Observatory, because it was generally empty after the Tower School and it was incredibly quiet. Maybe almost too quiet. He had gotten Mr Terrific to help him rewire this entire part of the floor for sound (for the karaoke room mostly) so Kyle took advantage of this.
He sent Kate a text, letting her knew where he was, and then started fiddling with the satellite radio, trying to find musak that was unobtrusive but also not too boring. Something cool and fun…Kyle settled on some sort of 60’s/70’s World Music Folk playlist, and waited for Kate. He almost wished he had a sketchbook, right now.
While Kate hated to admit it, she did sort of feel some trepidation in talking to Kyle. It’d been such a weird thing, lately, touch and go at the best of times. The situation made her sad, considering that he was her mejor amigo, and she was frustrated with herself more than anything else—frustrated that she couldn’t seem to figure out how to reach him, frustrated that she didn’t seem to have anything to help or to give, frustrated that she was turning into a little ball of near-explosive frustration and nothing else.
At least she hadn’t started thinking Godfrey was right about her, yet.
A walk was doing her good, though, getting out of her suite and wandering through the corridors, doing the perfunctory greetings. She stopped by the canteen to pick up a couple of milkshakes, and made it to the observatory before they could even get un-frosty. Kyle was fussing with something vaguely tech-looking that looked like a radio (though around here it could be something completely different, so she knew not to assume).
“Hola,” she said, lips quirking as she walked in. Kyle never could keep his hands still; he must have been one of those kids who was told to sit on them during story hour. “I brought some refreshments.” Possibly in a vague peace offering sense, though she wasn’t exactly sure why her psyche felt the need to do that.
“Que onda,” Kyle said, not really questioning, but just saying it as he hustled over, automatically taking his milkshake. He coaxed shake from the straw, bobbing to the beat of a sweet little ditty about a pair of rollerskates. Yep. This was a good playlist choice.
And this was a good milkshake. Kyle had recently adopted the tactic of just accepting whatever food was given to him, in order to jog his appetite back to normalcy. At least the taste of ashes was finally dissipating. he smiled at Kate gratefully. ”Mmmm. Muy bien, gracias hermana. Vamos…”
It was an auditorium style set up in the observatory, large steps for people to sit and lean against if they wanted. Kyle had constructed a series of pillows and cushions, beautifully rendered and detailed in both style and plush. He took her over, flopping backwards onto a pile of them and tugging her down as well.
Putting the milkshake aside, Kyle leaned closer to her, sliding his arms around her waist and leaning his mouth and chin into the crook of her neck. She was lightly perfumed. Or maybe it was just her soap, or her shampoo. Regardless, Kyle held Kate quietly and breathed in deeply. He nestled her for a long while.
Kyle was apparently listening to random novelty singles from the 70s, which made Kate raise an eyebrow a little, though she guessed there was worse music out there. At least he seemed to be enjoying it, and enjoying the shake, which was good to see. Damn, they really needed a shrink in the League, she thought for not the first time, but apparently psychiatrists didn’t moonlight much as costumed heroes.
She trailed along behind him a little, sipping her milkshake (vanilla, okay, shut up, no seriously shut up), as she went along. It was all very sweet and cute, and despite herself, she found she was swaying a little to the music. That is, until she was gently manhandled down into a pile of green pillows and found a Kyle cuddling her.
Not that it wasn’t enjoyable.
Kate closed her eyes for a moment, felt a little bit of the tension that dogged her lately ease. She was way too wound up lately, though it was hard for it to completely go away. It almost made her want to cry, though she wouldn’t, definitely not.
After a moment, she murmured, seeing as Kyle wasn’t saying anything, “Estás bien, ese?”
“Si si, muy bien mami,” Kyle said back quietly, letting her go finally and flicking at his knees for a long moment as a crooning song from India started, soft and mild. He looked over at her and smiled. It was odd, the difference in getting back on track with all the people in his life. Some were easier than others, not that either scenario was good or bad. It just was. Kate was easy, he thought, but then it became un-easy. Or maybe it was still easy, but situations around them made it hard. Or…
“I dunno, I mean…” Kyle turned more towards her, reaching out to stroke her arm. He craved contact and he’d forgotten how Kate’s skin felt under his hand. She still felt good - heated and dry, soft and smooth. ”Are we okay? I feel okay, and I don’t feel…bad.” Kyle’s words were lost again, but he kept eye contact with Kate, peering intently into her dark eyes.
“I dunno why, I’m just. Stepping carefully? And I figured you were too. Even though all I want is to hang out at your place in LA and eat all your frozen tamales out of your freezer and marathon all the episodes of Doctor Who that I missed…”
He shifted a bit closer. “And drink your coffee,” he added belatedly. Kate made great coffee. “Why is it so weird right now?” It was slightly rhetorical, but Kyle still wanted her to answer. At least it might get them talking, somehow.
Kate stretched a little—somehow the music made her want to shift, stretch out into cushions or maybe fall asleep with lots of cuddles involved. Or maybe she was just that damn tired thanks to all the stress in her life at the moment. Or maybe she needed to stop analyzing things and just live a little bit.
She cocked her head, though, as Kyle spoke, opening her eyes and looking back at him. “We’re okay if you’re okay,” she said, brow furrowing a little as she tried to parse the usual rambling Kyle-speak, which drifted several different ways and slid off into vagueness. “I was stepping carefully because you were all over the place, you know?” she said. “You were…I didn’t know what you wanted. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do to make it work, so I didn’t…I didn’t really do anything.”
After a second, Kate cleared her throat. “Also, you didn’t miss any Doctor Who. It’s not on for a couple weeks yet,” she added, as if her brain had latched onto that as an Important Thing. “Kyle…I’m sorry. I should have tried harder, but I didn’t know what to do and it wasn’t easy like it usually is, to understand. Nothing seems easy right now, not even breathing.” Though that was really vague and metaphysical, saying that.
Kyle reclined more as she did, almost copying her repose, but balanced enough that he could grab at and drink more of his milkshake. Or was this her milkshake? Whatever, he liked vanilla, it was mild and uninteresting and yet still really tasty.
He was about to shake his head and assure her that everything was fine, but…it was Kate. When she gave an apology, she wasn’t doing it to get dismissed and told she was being silly for even worrying in the first place. Not that he actually thought she was at fault; not that she did either beyond it just being A Certain Situation between them at the moment. What he always loved about Kate was how she treated him with care. He always wanted to do the same for her.
“I…I get it. I feel like everyone’s stressing out for all sorts of reasons. I’m watching the news a lot now, I can see what you’re trying to deal with. I never realized just how much you had to…deal with. And happy or not, elopement or not - marriage can be pretty…yeah. Yikes.” Kyle hummed a little under his breath. “I’m sorry too. I mean, you’re right - I was all over the place, I didn’t know anything. I was just existing and…” He smiled at her.
“Wanna hear something kind of awful? I was kinda relieved that we were avoiding each other. I missed you so badly, but I didn’t want you to have to deal with me, not when I was that way.”
Kate was pretty sure Kyle was drinking her milkshake, but whatever. Lantern power meant he couldn’t give her any germs unless he had the space flu again or something of that nature. At least, that’s how she thought it was supposed to work.
Pushing the mental ramble away, she refocused on what she was trying to tell Kyle. For once he seemed to really get it on the first try, that things clicked for him, and her relief was palpable. “It’s not like I didn’t want to deal with you because things were too much,” she said, wanting him to know that. “Just that I…hell, ese, I’ve started doubting what I can actually do. How good I really am. No matter how many friends and family tell me that I’m awesome, people tearing at me seem to wear it away. I thought I was better than that.”
She grinned a little, though, thinking about being married. “And yeah, getting married’s a big deal thing, but it’s been a good thing. And you, just existing, that’s okay. That’s sometimes what you have to do. I just…I didn’t know if I should snap you out of it, or if that was where you needed to be to get healthy, or what the hell.”
After a second of drinking the other milkshake (mint, and a lurid but not shamrock green), she said, “But I was sorta relieved too. It meant I didn’t have to think so hard about being a failure as a mejor amiga along with everything else. And that’s really awful, making it All About Me.”
“I get it,” Kyle said, nodding in understanding. It was a little incredible just how much he was understanding Kate right now. Maybe it was a stepping stone for both of them - she was being really candid, and he was really paying attention to what she was saying…pretty awesome in the bigger picture. He wanted to keep that ball rolling.
“I know that…ahhhh. I know I sometimes might make you feel a bit pressured, maybe. Or maybe I just worry that I do. A pressure to be, like, perfect. Not that you’re on a pedestal or anything, but more…” Kyle wanted to say ‘like a mother’, but he edited himself. “Like a big sister. I guess.” He turned a little red, all things considered of their past. A past he still daydreamed about in the shower. ”The whole ‘good old dependable Kate, she’ll always know what to do’ kinda deal, which y’know. Isn’t fair to you when you’re dealing with shit. Who do you have to big sister you? Queen?” Kyle wondered out loud. Everyone needed someone like that. Someone who’d always ‘be there’, so to speak.
He exchanged the milkshakes with her. He liked the spearminty one better anyway. ”And you’re not making it all about you! We’re talking about me and you, amiga. I wanna hear this stuff.”
In a slightly impulsive mood (man, it felt good to be impulsive again), Kyle leaned in closer to her, tiliting his head to kiss her. A light kiss, but lingering enough.
“Like a big sister,” Kate said, slightly skeptically, though her tone was also pretty damn amused at the same time. “Like a sexy big sister of awesome and not-actually-relatedness, I’m hoping. Otherwise your brain is a weird place to be, ese. I think I read a fanfic like that once.” Supposedly there was Kate/Kyle fic out there, though Kate mostly steered away from stuff with her in it and stuck to stuff that was amusing in its sheer wrongness, like every fangeek’s take on Hal and Ollie.
Then she sobered further, setting the milkshake aside and leaning in towards him a little, elbows smushing down into the construct pillows. “Kyle, cariño…my whole life is a pressure to be perfect. Not just you, and it’s not something you need to worry that you’re doing too much of…whatever. It’s all in my head already, you know?”
He was getting it, though, still, and she was glad for that, glad that they were able to talk instead of fumbling too hard around the conversation. They always usually got tripped up by things not seeming clear, or by their natural tendencies towards obfuscation of bigger issues. “Fine, fine, I forgot that you always wanna talk about me. Kate Spencer, attorney-at-law, que aburredo,” she said, but was cut off by Kyle leaning in to kiss her.
That was surprising. Kate kissing him back was just as surprising, though once she realized she was doing it, she shifted back a little, face heating. Hello, compañero was getting married, back off, Spencer.
Kyle pulled back as well, smiling slightly as he focused on her mouth. It was still curved and open slightly, a little shiny from the kiss. And damn did she taste right. He finally looked up at her, his smile expanding into a rather sunny grin.
“Waaaait. There’s fanfic about us?” Kyle said, huffing a laugh. I hope there’s fanart of us too. Rule 34, man. I want it to happen.” He could imagine it even - traced from a photograph of porn, graphic in all the wrong places and clearly drawn from someone who has yet to see genitals up close and personal. Kyle started laughing to himself, amused and self-conscious already, without even knowing if it was reality.
“Ahhhhh…” Okay. His concentration was shot to hell now. Between the milkshakes and cushions, the kiss and his overly active imagination, everything totally scattered in his brain (in an incredibly good way), and he found himself just chuckling like an awkward teenager who just heard the word ‘boobies’.
“You!” he exclaimed. ”Yes, si si we were talking about you. That’s right…that’s right.” Kyle flopped back on the cushions, staring up at the stars. “Fair enough. You putting pressure on yourself to be perfect, I mean. I don’t get it, but I know a lot of people like you. Guy’s like that, but…in a different way? Anyway, still doesn’t mean I should add to that pressure. I don’t want you to feel like I”m expecting anything from you. I’m not…” Kyle said, but there he was, eyes drifting down to look at her, and the gap in the collar of her shirt where he could see a glimpse of bra. it was black. Oh geez. He didn’t even know if it was right to be getting this excited right now. ”Or at least, I shouldn’t do that, not to you.”
Kyle had that look on his face like he wanted to draw her—she was beginning to recognize it—behind the ridiculously pleased dopey grin. The smile was infectious, and Kate laughed, throwing her head back into the cushions, because this was ridiculous but fun, and when was the last time she’d let herself have fun with a friend (even fun with kissing)?
Probably better not to answer that.
“Oh god, I’m sure there is,” she said. “I’ve seen it talked about but madre di dios, I just cannot read that kind of stuff. Probably seriously nasty. Like, I know there’s fanart too, and women are always sexualized like that anyway, but for me there’s just something about words, like you with art, si?”
She heaved a sigh at the talking about her part, a ‘do we have to’ sort of thing, but she let him do it even so. “I’m sure I could break it down if I tried, you know?” she said. “Make it a psychological profile. But you don’t wanna know all of that. It’s not your fault, Kyle, it isn’t.” Even if he was looking down her shirt while they were talking, and she let him know she knew by a raised eyebrow and a smirk.
“Nasty? You of all people know nasty can be great. Kate. Kate, ha ha. It’s great! We should read it together, maybe that’ll make it more funny and less freaky.” And maybe it wouldn’t exactly be a good idea, considering how sometimes, depending on where they were with their lives, Kate could really set his blood on fire. Even the thought of this stupid fanfic was making him excited, with her so close. He wasn’t quite sure what the chemistry formula was this time, but it was palpable. Just the way he remembered, before it all went to hell.
“When we’re both drunk,” he added belatedly and then rolled his eyes at himself. Right. Just keep talking, Casanova.
“Fair enough, I’m sure you could get totally academic about your own psych profile. Smart people are always good at assessments…maybe not so good with application?” He grinned up at her, taking one of her hands and massaging at the fleshy part of her palm, by the thumb. ”But whatever, it’s fine. I know what I gotta do to try and help you. And myself! Dual helping. I can be thoughtful when I want to be. And I’ve been thinking a lot about this. About you, and all.”
Kate was pretty sure she knew what reading dirty fanfic while drunk would lead to between her and Kyle. Even bad dirty fanfic, because then they’d try to outdo them or something and…right. Mind not going there. Even if there was pleasant to think about, except for the potential hangover the next day and the emotional consequences or something.
“You’re so smooth, Kyle Rayner,” she drawled with amused sarcasm, and gestured slightly with her cup. “Smooth like this milkshake, ay papi.” Admittedly there was a certain appeal to it all, the adorkability thing, or Kyle wouldn’t have had as many serious relationships as he had. Including the one he was in now, should she really be flirting? Kate figured Kyle knew his own limits and his relationship with Hal enough to keep boundaries. When sober, at least.
“And yeah, you’re right, I’m shitty at the application side of things. It’s always easy to give advice but not to take it. I could be all like ‘well, I had to grow up fast’ or ‘I have trust issues’, but that changes very little. The problem isn’t knowing what’s wrong with me, the problem is being able to actually effect change.” She kicked her feet out further so she could stretch her legs, then grinned cheekily at him. “Thinking a lot about me, you dog.”
God, it had gotten to the point where she’d deflect without even realizing it, she noticed, a few seconds later.
Kyle spaced out for a brief moment, when she called him ‘papi’. He hadn’t heard that since that last time they had special-time, way before any of them had settled and become…well where they are now.
“I still can’t believe you’re married,” he blurted. Or rather, thought aloud. “I just. I know it doesn’t make too much of a difference to someone on the outside, like me, but. Sometimes I still can’t believe it.” He wasn’t still quite sure how he felt about it, since he really just accepted that yeah - now Kate was married and no one died or got hurt in the process so all is well. But anything deeper than that - how he personally thought of it; and if he should have thoughts about it, even - hadn’t quite processed yet.
Kyle nodded as Kate spoke, watching her feet as she rotated her ankles and stretched her legs more. ”What does it mean? Effect change?” he asked, not to be deterred, no matter how much she was teasing and smiling adorably at him, nope. ”It sounds so…spin doctory, like something a politician would say. Kate for Mayor, haha.” He grinned at her.
Apparently thinking a lot about her in a different way wasn’t as much of a deflection joke as Kate thought, judging by the dazed look Kyle got and the sudden blurting out about her being married. There was something there that she wasn’t sure how to probe or examine—she knew how Kyle’d felt (awkward as hell) after Zee had gotten married, and this could be dangerous, going in without prep.
Better to leave it for now. Not when they were both emotionally ragged, even if they were remarkably in sync with actual understanding… Oh, maldita sea, why did things have to be so damn hard all the time?
She cleared her throat. “Effect change…okay, fine, you got me, it’s all PR and HR and politically correct talk. It means to push something into actually happening, to set off that chain reaction that leads to something changing, sabes? It’s hard to push myself into taking good advice, or to not do something stupid, when I’ve got that kind of disordered thinking in place in the first place, years and years of it.”
Snorting, Kate added, “And I’d be a shitty mayor, oh my god. Everyone else would be a better mayor than me. Kyle…is it a problem that I’m married?” Well, fine, she did just end up spitting it out, despite herself. Maybe she was past giving all the fucks.
“Ha!” Kyle barked. He couldn’t help but be a little smug. He actually caught Kate in a thingie-thing to do with words and word-usage. “Y’know, I feel like…like post-Parallax I’ve become smarter! No, that’s not it. It’s just more like…attuned. And not because of Parallax…” Although now that Kyle thought about it, maybe it was more to do with Ion. But he wasn’t going to think about that right now. “I guess I’ve been wanting to try and rebuild and reconnect with everyone so badly, that I just, I want to notice everything, I want to see everything about my friends. Not take you for granted, sabes?”
He looked at Kate, and her interest and he grinned. Nope, he was not gonna be deflected off of talking about her, no matter how sweetly ‘curious and willing to talk about him’ that she was looking right now.
“I guess pushing yourself to change is something you gotta do yourself…but I ALSO guess that it’s good you told this to me, because now more people know that you tend to do this, and if people know then you’ll know that they know and they’ll be looking for when you don’t and then you’ll be held accountable for your actions. Boom - “Kyle fell back on the cushions, holding his arms up to the sky. “I am the master of figuring shit out!”
He was caught off guard by her question about her marriage, and all his smugness faded immediately. ”I…no? I mean. I think it’s great, I just.” There wasn’t really an ‘I just’ though. Kyle furrowed his brow, trying to figure it out. “I guess…it means…it means change. And…change…can…be…a lot. To. Get used to.” He looked up at her, hoping that she could elaborate on that. He wasn’t even sure if it was the real reason, but maybe it was part of it.
Kate held her hands (and milkshake) up in surrender. “You got me, okay, corporate speak, lawyer speak, whatever. It’s still important, being able to actually change myself.” She was about to say ‘you don’t ever take me for granted’, but realized she didn’t know how it worked in Kyle’s head. Maybe it felt like he didn’t really, but to him he was.
She tried to look cute and curious, but found her tactic failing miserably as Kyle came to his own conclusions. “Okay,” she said, flopping back and slurping the last of her milkshake. “Kyle Rayner is going to hold me accountable for my actions, I can handle this. I am an adult with talents and skills and not too many complexes…”
Even so, she lifted an eyebrow at ‘master of figuring shit out’, just because someone had to bring him back to earth. “Right, you keep telling yourself that, cariño…” she retorted, and was almost mollified by seeing him taken aback by her question, fraught with peril though it was.
However, his response wasn’t entirely what she’d anticipated, neither a deflection nor an outpouring of emotion, so she paused with a thoughtful expression. “It can be a lot to get used to,” she said. “But I mean, I’d understand if you had sort of a mixed take on it. Because I was all ‘not gonna settle down’ and now…well, I haven’t exactly, not entirely. It’s a big damn word, ‘married’, though. It makes people think different things.”
“It is important…” Kyle agreed, thinking about if he ever consciously worked at changing himself for the better. He was always learning new things and how to be one way and not another way, but. Was that the same as changing? He looked at Kate suddenly. “Not that I think there’s anything wrong with you right now, you know. Just so you know. I love you, no matter what.”
That…really kind of came out more awkward than it should’ve been, but. It was Kate and Kyle knew she’d understand. He smiled, taking her hands and kissing at her knuckles, then nudging against her fingers, clearly wanting to be stroked about his face.
”It’s weird, I’ll admit. Knowing that not even you, or Hal, or…anyway. That you guys are all still figuring out all this life shit too.” It’s not that he figured that anyone post-30 was suddenly perfection and clarity personified, but more…well. Kyle wasn’t sure what. Something to think about another day.
Right now, she’d asked about the marriage thing, he’d responded and he wanted to continue this conversation about a subject that’d laid fallow for a while in him. ”That’s right…you had been strongly opposed to the idea of you getting married again.” Memories of them lying on Kyle’s mattress in his room flitted into his mind, silver and vermilion paint and cold beer and summer heat. ”I’m glad you don’t feel guilty or anything for going ahead with it. You’re right that it definitely means different things for everyone, though. So like,” Kyle looked up at her. “What does it mean for you?”
It was awkward, but it made Kate smile, a real one, soft and a little dozy and very touched. “Te amo,” she said back. “Though there is stuff that’s wrong with me, okay, it’s no good pretending there’s not. It just…it’s not stuff that’s intrinsically hurtful to people or something.” She realized Kyle probably wouldn’t know what intrinsically meant, but she figured he’d get it from context.
To keep him from getting too hung up on it or confused, she ran her fingertips down his cheek and over his jaw a little. It was remarkably comforting, so she did it again, not pulling back, and suddenly understood just how stressed she’d been lately, that this could be so much of a lightbulb moment, a right and good thing.
“No one ever figures out life shit, I’m coming to figure this out. It’s the great secret of the world, people who look all together are actually coming apart at the seams, or at least feel like it. Being older doesn’t do much except add perspective,” she said, then cleared her throat a little, blushing and a bit embarrassed as he pointed out that she’d said she wasn’t interested in getting married again. She wasn’t guilty, no, and it had been how she’d felt, but it did seem odd now that she’d felt that way.
Kate figured Kyle was probably trying to collect perspectives on marriage and that was why he was asking, but his final question still gave her pause. “What does marriage mean for me, an essay by Kate Spencer,” she said in a rote sing-song reading voice, then shook it off. “I think…if you boil it down past all of people’s assumptions, it means two things: always having someone who you can absolutely trust, who has your back, and never running away from everything. Always being accountable.”
Kyle wasn’t sure what she was saying overall, but he kind of got the gist of it. ”Nobody’s perfect…and I don’t think anyone should be. Hah! Me and Guy had a talk about that once…” Kyle couldn’t remember which Guy it was, but that didn’t matter, it was still Guy. “He believed in..” Kyle made his face and expression more gruff, as he held up a finger. “Objectivity, striving for perfection. And I’m all like pro-subjectivity and learning from imperfections…just different opinions; but no one’s right, I guess.”
He closed his eyes as her fingers roamed along his face, light and feathery in some places, and then hard and slightly digging in others, like the hinge of his jaw. He almost purred from the feeling. She knew him, and he loved when people knew him.
He listened to her talk about people and their attempts at acting like they knew everything. It made a lot of sense. A lot, given how he’d seen people at their best and worst - Hal and his mom, Kate and hell, even J’onn. No one was exempt from falling apart.
“Always being accountable,” Kyle repeated, grinning slowly and opening his eyes to look at her. ”I like that. A-plus for you, Kate Spencer. I’m posting your essay on marriage on the corkboard for all the other kids to be jealous of. I mean…I dunno, first Clark and Zee, then you and Ollie…and then this —” Kyle looked at his left hand, and the plain band around his finger. “All totally different situations, but sometimes I feel like…ah. I dunno what I feel like. But I like your meaning, Ms Spencer,” Kyle teased her. ”Gracias.”
“I try not to strive for perfection, but I end up doing it anyway,” Kate said, shrugging one shoulder. “So maybe I’m somewhere between the two. Though maybe Guy wouldn’t be so hard on himself if he wasn’t trying so damn hard…” Admittedly, she sort of understood where he was coming from. It was almost impossible to shake the learned mindset from being a kid in that kind of situation.
“And hey, I don’t want the other kids to make fun of me for being teacher’s pet, cariño,” she teased, then tapped Kyle’s jaw as he opened his eyes, blushing a little at his response. Then she reached down and caught his left hand, lifting it up. “You know? De nada, but…you have to make this work for you, Kyle. You need to make it what you need it to be. And yet at the same time, that needs to be a healthy thing, just remember that. Yeah, Ollie and I have each other, but ‘forsaking all others’ doesn’t mean anything like not giving a damn about anyone else. I’m not saying you’ll do that…I just know people expect couples to be all glued at the hip and hivemind and to me that’s unhealthy, si?”
For a brief moment of dread, Kate hoped she wasn’t like that without realizing it. Hopefully someone would say something to her if she was, having declared how much she hated it.
“Yeah…I guess you’re in the middle. And he’s just hard on himself because he really wants to be admired…” Kyle rubbed his mouth, suddenly conscious of where they were right now. “Despite quitting the League and all that jazz. But. If that’s what he wanted…”
Kyle still wasn’t quite sure what was going on with all of that. Guy had acted so odd when they met at his trailer, Kyle still felt like a lot of it was rehearsed, or at least put on for Kyle’s benefit. Things seemed more natural at Mia’s Park Fun Day, but Kyle still couldn’t shake that feeling.
He listened to her, and then his brow furrowed as memories of how some people saw him and Hal resurfaced in his mind. How Kyle spent all his time in Coast City with Hal, lost his own opinion and neglected his friends. “I know what you mean, believe me. It’s kind of why I don’t…show it. I know now no one thinks that way, but. When some people did, I just wanted to bury my feelings for Hal away. It was…” Kyle looked down at Kate’s hand, laced with his own. “Me daba vergüenza.” For more reasons than just what others thought, but Kyle didn’t want to talk about that with anyone but his dead mother. She was the only one he needed to make peace with.
He shook his head to clear the ugly thoughts. Most of them didn’t exist anymore, he knew that. It was hard to let go of how much it hurt him, but he was trying. “We’ll figure it out. Hal’s in no hurry and neither am I. And for the record, I think you and Ollie are separate entities. Christ, you’re even keeping your own apartment, haha. But I get it - you need your space…y’know that’s what Hal said too? He said I needed a place that was just my own space, to get away from everything and everyone.” Kyle nodded peacefully and then scrunched his face in an insouciant manner.
“And yeah, okay, I agree with him on that. Oh my god, I guess that means I agree with Hal about everything, forever! Someone, find my backbone, please! Ahaha.”