thejusticelounge | (no subject)

둥지에서 떨어지는 아기 새

and falling and falling and falling and that place between dreaming and nightmaring what’s that called what’s that called

and once your grandfather took you by the hand and said 자두 꽃 he said 자두 꽃 once in an alley a man took my parents away from me to hell you asked he shook his head and said there is no hell you don’t believe in hell

and belief is different from knowledge because you can know something without believing in it

and why would you believe your mother came from hell your planet was in hell you spent a year running across hell-planet itself watching your hell-aunt stare down at you from her throne and when do i get a throne mommy

and he says with his golden eyes i will you give you a throne and you take his hand and you run from your fear because if you don’t believe it it doesn’t matter if you know it

but he is not the man he is not the man he is not the light at the end of any tunnel because his tunnel is darkness and suffering and your pupils being eaten by shadow and he is pinching his fingers over the candleflame to leave you there in the dark

but you’re not alone and there’s someone in there with you except he’s a sun he’s an entire sun contained in a man and when you look at him you could set yourself aflame your father never said it’d feel like this your mother never said it’d feel like this

but the sun has lost someone and you tell the sun you will help him find the lost one because if he is the sun’s he is yours

but the crack isn’t a crack as much as it is slime coated over a pool grease over a diner table and you fall in you’re falling and falling and falling and oh mother i should’ve watched them set you aflame i should’ve been there but x’hal is a living goddess so how am i supposed to worship death

but you wake up alone and the flowers are lavender lavender the color not lavender the flower you know all the flowers that was always what your mother taught you on weekends and you didn’t take flowers to her and now you’re being punished because your skull is cracked open like a jack-o-lantern and the braid is soaking and you are looking up for the sun for the stars for the lost one because you remember they should be there and you are seeing darkness and darkness and a ceiling made of black

so you stumble to the creekbed and you’re dripping into the water polluting it you think polluting it with your failure to take flowers to her pyre and you cup your hands together like your little girl does when she helps you make dinner

so you pour the water on the jagged pumpkin-cut and it feels good it feels like stretching in bed in the morning and putting a q-tip down in your ear and coming against sunshine and it takes the blood off in thick dried chunks and that feels better than anything

so the trilling starts and your baby you think your baby has followed you here because she is a savior she will bring flowers to my pyre because she is good and alone and i was alone but now i have her and the sun and the little girl cupping her hands

so you look up and it’s not papaveroideae it’s got round eyes and slit pupils and it’s skin doesn’t seem to heed the movements of its bones and once long ago you were one of these so was your mother your aunt your uncle you were all this only you were all so angry where this is calm

so you scoop another handful of the water and pour it over your head because you are not scared of ancestral catsuits and a drop trickles onto the cupid bow of your lips into the seam onto your tongue and you have the no

you don’t have the you don’t

have

you look

up and the ceiling

is black and you think to yourself that is how it has looked

always and when you cup your hands and

drink deeply you don’t remember

brown

stout

limbs

you don’t beLieve it because you don’t know it and all you know is someone saying your name as war-drum chant and there is a gamE now you know the game you know what this was all about This was about tHis was about the game and you look up at it and it is purring and you are purring and you throw back your jack-o-lantern to scream and sing and dancE