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thejusticelounge2012-09-16 12:52 pm
bossymarmalade) wrote in thejusticelounge2012-09-16 12:52 pm
Entry tags:
feels like the end of the world
Alone.
He was always alone.
Of course he was always alone. It wasn’t like he helped matters, hiding away in his apartment.
Feeling sick hadn’t helped- some kind of food poisoning, perhaps? He’d kept hydrated. Kept alone.
He was going to die alone.
Why would anyone want to stay with him? Why would anyone risk being with him? He was a freak.
How many nineteen year olds did he know that didn’t… Didn’t want...
He was never going to fall in love because no one would let him. He was going to be alone for the rest of his life, watching Steph, Babs, Dick, and even Jason and Damian fall in love and get married and whatever they wanted and he’d be alone.
He’d be alone.
They’d have lives and move on and he’d be alone. Sat in his cage of a cave in a memorial to the dead parents of Gotham.
Even now, surrounded by everyone… They had no time for him. Cass didn’t want to come home but she’d grown sick of his… His invasion into her life, her world, and he had no where else to go. So now he was alone, again, just a little closer to the happy people.
The ones with lives and real family and who were never going to be alone.
Who would be missed. Who wouldn’t go to bed curled around a sick bucket with no one to mop their brow. He’s toxic, Timothy Jackson Drake, a poison that killed his parents and everyone he’s ever really loved, they all hurt, they all pay for his existence and it’s all his fault.
No one had called, had they, Timmy?
No one had checked up on you, after the party.
No one would notice if you died, Timmy.
You’re all alone, aren’t you?
Poor. Little. Lonely. Boy.
--- --- ---
Bai came over with ginger ale. Her stomach was queasy — never a good thing for a speedster, she had to cut her speed on the way so she wouldn’t need to replenish calories so soon — but ginger ale and the saltines she’d grabbed might help. They seemed like Timfood anyhow.
“You look bad,” she blurted when Tim opened the door. “Weshould. Get all cosy and just take. Turns taking care of eachother?”
Tim had dragged himself out of bed when the door went, moving as fast as his stomach and head would let him. He leaned against the doorframe, stepping back to let Bai come in.
“I feel bad.” Tim shrugged a little. He wandered back into the apartment, almost falling onto the sofa. He left enough space for Bai next to him, head falling back on the couch cushions. “That sounds nice.” He said, tugging a blanket out from a hamper by the side of the couch. He fell asleep there way too often…
Fetching a couple of glasses from the kitchen, Bai poured them both some ginger ale (from a height so it would go flat quicker) and then snuggled in with Tim, opening her own box of saltines and passing one to Tim. “These are supposedto settle your stomach?” she said, shrugging, and munched down three of them without thinking.
“My stomach hurtsandI don’t want to eat a lot. I guesssamefor you, huh?” But strangely, instead of feeling worse after running over here, Bai felt calmer, more soothed. She blinked over at the profile of Tim’s thin cheek, his solemn mouth, and felt a little wrench in her heart. She’d missed him more than she thought.
Making sure the drinks were safely on the coffee table, Tim pulled Bai into a tight hug, nestling his face in at the nape of her neck. He’d not had a hug that’d he’d actually initiated since his return, one he’d felt comfortable in, and he’d needed it, wanting just to hold someone he cared about. Cass hadn’t really understood it, much, but she’d put up with it.
“Mm, don’t want to eat.” He mumbled into her neck, head spinning a little bit from the movement. “Thanks for coming.” He said, letting go with one arm to cover them with the blanket. The strange… Feelings that had washed over him during the night had made him nervous, worried about being left behind, left alone. But Bai was here. With him. He wasn’t alone.
“You should atleasthave a *couple* of crackers,” Bai said, but she didn’t push it. Tim was kinda anxious at the best of times, and this soooooo was not the best of times. “So everybody’s. Come down withthisflu or something I think? At least people whowere at theparty. Lantern Rayner’s birthday party. I wonder if somebodythere was super sick and started it, Patient Zero?” Bai tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Maybe weshouldall be in quarantine!”
Tim gave a tiny cough and Bai laughed, sheepishly. “Maybe I’mgettingcarried away,” she told him, rubbing her hand against his ankle as she slumped and snuggled more against him and curled her feet in against her bum. “How you been, Tim? Apartfromsick, of course.”
“Maybe.” He muttered, before relenting and reaching for a couple, munching then quietly. “Everyone? Like… Everyone at the party?” He questioned, leaning back a little so he could actually see Bai’s face. “Quarantine doesn’t sound like that much of a bad idea…”
He tried to clear his throat, slightly painfully, looking back at Bai a little blearily. He shifted closer again, resting his forehead on her shoulder, scrunching his eyes up. “N-not great.” Tim mumbled. “I… I’ve been kinda… Lonely. Missed you a lot.” His arms tightened around her. “You know… I care about you? And the others? That I don’t- I don’t mean-” he trailed off, not sure how to continue. All that pervaded his mind right then was the painful loneliness he’d felt since the onset of this sickness. He couldn’t bear to lose Bai.
“Dood,” Bai said meaningfully, then winced. Of all the stupid kiddie things to say! But being around Tim … she wanted people to stop treating her like dumb little Impulse, realize that she was Kid Flash now and had *been* THE Flash, for however short a time, but. This was *Tim*, one of her oldest friends, and she couldn’t help lapsing around him. But that was okay, right? He wouldn’t make her feel like a silly, useless child. He was *Tim*.
“Yeah, no,” she said instead, snuggling closer into his embrace. “I getcha, Tim. Sometimes it gets lonely when you don’t have, like, your biffies around to be with and relax around and know that they’ll *know* what you mean and how you’re feeling. And thattheycare about you.”
She sighed, nibbling at another cracker. “I like everybody else,” Bai said. “But they don’t know what to DO with me. Not like you. Not even Wally.” She considered, then added, “Maybe ESPECIALLY not Wally.”
“Not… Not even like that, Bai. I- I don’t know. I had some- some nightmare, that everyone would…” He sighed, eyes blinking away… Tears? Really? He was crying over some weird feeling, some dream? What was wrong with him?
“I dreamt everyone would leave me.” He sighed, muffled against her neck. He leaned back a little again, looking at her a little incredulously.
“Bai… I don’t know what to do with you? I just… I am, with you.” He shrugged a little. “I mean… Dick and Steph, they’ve been my family, my friends for so long, but… Well, really, you’re my best friend. You and Kon, and I don’t know what I’d do without the two of you…” Tim frowned a little, before sheepishly taking another cracker. “I don’t have know what to do with you because… I don’t have to. It comes naturally.” He ate the cracker slowly, already feeling them calm his stomach somewhat.
Bai felt her face split in a huge, delighted grin. “Yah thatswhatImean tho!” she said excitedly, sitting straighter so she could grab two of Tim’s fingers and shake his hand around to convey her happiness. “Like, it’s not a *conscious* thing, it’s that we know each other so well becuz we’ve been friends for so long! Best friends! So there’s none of the awkward. Or the lopsided.”
Especially right now with Tim all to herself, Bai thought uncharitably, then flushed a bit at the meanness of the sentiment. Well. Tim didn’t have to know.
“I won’t leaveyou, Tim,” Bai said comfortably, settling back down. “That sucks about the nightmare tho. I … I think I had one too? It went …” she shuddered, recalling the silverblue of the Speed Force, the bluesilver of its voice, the feel of it wrapping around her and sinking into her to make her unsolid and lost. “Nightmares are the worst.”
He caught her fingers before she let his hand go, linking their fingers together. “Yeah. We’re not lopsided. I like that.” He smiled a little, brighter than he had in a while.
To be honest, Tim’s feelings reflected Bai’s almost exactly. He was so happy in Hong Kong with Cass because he didn’t have to share her, they were the only ones there. Here… He had to share everyone. Except Bai, right now. Except… He didn’t feel selfish. He knew he probably should, but… He needed his best friend and she needed him, so why should it matter that they were shutting the others out for a sliver of time?
“I concur.” He replied, solemnly, before his composure broke into a small grin again. Squeezing Bai’s hand he he reached over with his other, a little awkwardly, for the TV remote. “Want to watch cartoons?” He asked, flicking the TV on and going for another cracker.
“Yes there’s an Airbendermarathon going on, I love Aang!!” Bai stretched across to grab the remote as Tim was doubtfully sampling a cracker, flicking fast through the channels until she found Avatar and bounced happily. “Ohweshouldhydrate,” she remembered, handing Tim’s glass of ginger ale to him and holding hers in both hands to down half of it.
“I’m not used to being sick,” Bai said consideringly, watching Tim take determined sips, waiting until he’d had enough before taking his glass to put back on the table. “Speedsters don’t really get sick? But this feels different. I feellikeits kind of rolling around in my blood.” She petted Tim’s hair. “How long you been sick? You shoulda had somebody with you!!”
The ginger ale was good. It’d been a long while since he’d last had any- possibly longer than the last time he’d seen Bai, since before he went to Hong Kong. Just another thing to add to the list of things he’d missed. Spending time with Bai was pretty high on that list.
“I’m usually… My immune system might not be metahuman but it’s usually pretty good, I’m not used to getting this sick, either.” Tim said, leaning into Bai’s touch and closing his eyes, enjoying the feeling of her hand in his hair. “A couple of days… I didn’t want to bother anyone, really…” He sighed and looked up at Bai. “But you’re here now, anyway, so that doesn’t matter anymore. Everything I could need is right here.” He leaned back against her, half-watching the TV.
“Noooo,” Bai said sternly, poking Tim’s thin shoulder. “No it totally DOES matter, Tim, because I know you andIknow what you’re like, and if I let you go on with this whole ‘didn’t wanna bother anyone’ and ‘doesn’t matter anymore’ it means you’re gonna keep right on thinking that and it’ll get biggerandharder to refute in your head next time anything happens and the nextthing I’ll know is that you’ll be quietly runningtoground if you’re hurting or needing people instead of reaching out to us so I wanna nip this in the bud righthererightnow, spleezball. You can ALWAYS bother me and it TOTALLY matters. Got that?”
“Geez, Bai, did you take a breath in all that?” He asked, trying to avoid actually answering properly, but at Bai’s look he shook his head. “I promise, if I get sick again I’ll call you straight away, okay?” He said, poking her shoulder in return. “What about you? Have you been following your own advice or did you not do anything about being sick until I asked about anyone else?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at her and taking a sip of his drink. Bai meant a lot to Tim, and he knew she meant well, but he’d always felt more comfortable helping himself rather than asking others. Needing assistance for himself made him feel misplaced, and selfish. Asking for help on behalf of others, though, that was fine. Though, if it made Bai feel better, Tim might try and ask her for help more often. It’d mean he had more excuses to talk to her…
Bai raised one angular shoulder. “Speedster sick isn’t for you,” she said cryptically and somewhat shortly, the way she sometimes did when talking about things speed-related with The Rest. The not-speedsters. Those were the only two categories that mattered in the big picture when Bai broke it all down: Speedsters, and The Rest.
Besides, this hadn’t even been the regular kind of sick, the kind that meant retreating to the Speed Force to let it mend and quicken and expunge impurities. And pulling yourself back out afterwards even though the Speed Force was beckoning every molecule of you to stay. This had been dreadful warped hallucinations of her own body slowing and stiffening and fossilizing, of being alone in an accelerating prestissimo while The Rest slumped leadenly through their unwitting, frustrating larghissimo lives.
“But if there’s other stuff I wouldcall you in a heartbeat, Tim. Don’t be all self-deprecating and junk, not with me. It’s not respectful to either of us.” She squeezed his ankle to let him know she wasn’t cheesed, only being serious.
He closed his eyes for a second, taking a breath and placing his hand on Bai’s arm. “I know that, Bai. I just meant… You’re eating right, aren’t you? Not relying on other things to get by?” He asked. If there was one thing Tim Drake did really well? It was eat. He could cook, just about, and enjoyed it enough. He’d taken a couple of courses. “If you’re not, then I’m officially kidnapping you, okay?” He said, resting his head back against the sofa.
“Pff, me, self-deprecating?” He said, rolling his eyes and grinning. Okay. Maybe a bit.
Sometimes. “I- okay I think I’m going to hurl.” He grabbed the sick bucket he’d been using, tucked it between his legs and bent down over it, not actually being sick but retching a little.
He was always alone.
Of course he was always alone. It wasn’t like he helped matters, hiding away in his apartment.
Feeling sick hadn’t helped- some kind of food poisoning, perhaps? He’d kept hydrated. Kept alone.
He was going to die alone.
Why would anyone want to stay with him? Why would anyone risk being with him? He was a freak.
How many nineteen year olds did he know that didn’t… Didn’t want...
He was never going to fall in love because no one would let him. He was going to be alone for the rest of his life, watching Steph, Babs, Dick, and even Jason and Damian fall in love and get married and whatever they wanted and he’d be alone.
He’d be alone.
They’d have lives and move on and he’d be alone. Sat in his cage of a cave in a memorial to the dead parents of Gotham.
Even now, surrounded by everyone… They had no time for him. Cass didn’t want to come home but she’d grown sick of his… His invasion into her life, her world, and he had no where else to go. So now he was alone, again, just a little closer to the happy people.
The ones with lives and real family and who were never going to be alone.
Who would be missed. Who wouldn’t go to bed curled around a sick bucket with no one to mop their brow. He’s toxic, Timothy Jackson Drake, a poison that killed his parents and everyone he’s ever really loved, they all hurt, they all pay for his existence and it’s all his fault.
No one had called, had they, Timmy?
No one had checked up on you, after the party.
No one would notice if you died, Timmy.
You’re all alone, aren’t you?
Poor. Little. Lonely. Boy.
--- --- ---
Bai came over with ginger ale. Her stomach was queasy — never a good thing for a speedster, she had to cut her speed on the way so she wouldn’t need to replenish calories so soon — but ginger ale and the saltines she’d grabbed might help. They seemed like Timfood anyhow.
“You look bad,” she blurted when Tim opened the door. “Weshould. Get all cosy and just take. Turns taking care of eachother?”
Tim had dragged himself out of bed when the door went, moving as fast as his stomach and head would let him. He leaned against the doorframe, stepping back to let Bai come in.
“I feel bad.” Tim shrugged a little. He wandered back into the apartment, almost falling onto the sofa. He left enough space for Bai next to him, head falling back on the couch cushions. “That sounds nice.” He said, tugging a blanket out from a hamper by the side of the couch. He fell asleep there way too often…
Fetching a couple of glasses from the kitchen, Bai poured them both some ginger ale (from a height so it would go flat quicker) and then snuggled in with Tim, opening her own box of saltines and passing one to Tim. “These are supposedto settle your stomach?” she said, shrugging, and munched down three of them without thinking.
“My stomach hurtsandI don’t want to eat a lot. I guesssamefor you, huh?” But strangely, instead of feeling worse after running over here, Bai felt calmer, more soothed. She blinked over at the profile of Tim’s thin cheek, his solemn mouth, and felt a little wrench in her heart. She’d missed him more than she thought.
Making sure the drinks were safely on the coffee table, Tim pulled Bai into a tight hug, nestling his face in at the nape of her neck. He’d not had a hug that’d he’d actually initiated since his return, one he’d felt comfortable in, and he’d needed it, wanting just to hold someone he cared about. Cass hadn’t really understood it, much, but she’d put up with it.
“Mm, don’t want to eat.” He mumbled into her neck, head spinning a little bit from the movement. “Thanks for coming.” He said, letting go with one arm to cover them with the blanket. The strange… Feelings that had washed over him during the night had made him nervous, worried about being left behind, left alone. But Bai was here. With him. He wasn’t alone.
“You should atleasthave a *couple* of crackers,” Bai said, but she didn’t push it. Tim was kinda anxious at the best of times, and this soooooo was not the best of times. “So everybody’s. Come down withthisflu or something I think? At least people whowere at theparty. Lantern Rayner’s birthday party. I wonder if somebodythere was super sick and started it, Patient Zero?” Bai tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Maybe weshouldall be in quarantine!”
Tim gave a tiny cough and Bai laughed, sheepishly. “Maybe I’mgettingcarried away,” she told him, rubbing her hand against his ankle as she slumped and snuggled more against him and curled her feet in against her bum. “How you been, Tim? Apartfromsick, of course.”
“Maybe.” He muttered, before relenting and reaching for a couple, munching then quietly. “Everyone? Like… Everyone at the party?” He questioned, leaning back a little so he could actually see Bai’s face. “Quarantine doesn’t sound like that much of a bad idea…”
He tried to clear his throat, slightly painfully, looking back at Bai a little blearily. He shifted closer again, resting his forehead on her shoulder, scrunching his eyes up. “N-not great.” Tim mumbled. “I… I’ve been kinda… Lonely. Missed you a lot.” His arms tightened around her. “You know… I care about you? And the others? That I don’t- I don’t mean-” he trailed off, not sure how to continue. All that pervaded his mind right then was the painful loneliness he’d felt since the onset of this sickness. He couldn’t bear to lose Bai.
“Dood,” Bai said meaningfully, then winced. Of all the stupid kiddie things to say! But being around Tim … she wanted people to stop treating her like dumb little Impulse, realize that she was Kid Flash now and had *been* THE Flash, for however short a time, but. This was *Tim*, one of her oldest friends, and she couldn’t help lapsing around him. But that was okay, right? He wouldn’t make her feel like a silly, useless child. He was *Tim*.
“Yeah, no,” she said instead, snuggling closer into his embrace. “I getcha, Tim. Sometimes it gets lonely when you don’t have, like, your biffies around to be with and relax around and know that they’ll *know* what you mean and how you’re feeling. And thattheycare about you.”
She sighed, nibbling at another cracker. “I like everybody else,” Bai said. “But they don’t know what to DO with me. Not like you. Not even Wally.” She considered, then added, “Maybe ESPECIALLY not Wally.”
“Not… Not even like that, Bai. I- I don’t know. I had some- some nightmare, that everyone would…” He sighed, eyes blinking away… Tears? Really? He was crying over some weird feeling, some dream? What was wrong with him?
“I dreamt everyone would leave me.” He sighed, muffled against her neck. He leaned back a little again, looking at her a little incredulously.
“Bai… I don’t know what to do with you? I just… I am, with you.” He shrugged a little. “I mean… Dick and Steph, they’ve been my family, my friends for so long, but… Well, really, you’re my best friend. You and Kon, and I don’t know what I’d do without the two of you…” Tim frowned a little, before sheepishly taking another cracker. “I don’t have know what to do with you because… I don’t have to. It comes naturally.” He ate the cracker slowly, already feeling them calm his stomach somewhat.
Bai felt her face split in a huge, delighted grin. “Yah thatswhatImean tho!” she said excitedly, sitting straighter so she could grab two of Tim’s fingers and shake his hand around to convey her happiness. “Like, it’s not a *conscious* thing, it’s that we know each other so well becuz we’ve been friends for so long! Best friends! So there’s none of the awkward. Or the lopsided.”
Especially right now with Tim all to herself, Bai thought uncharitably, then flushed a bit at the meanness of the sentiment. Well. Tim didn’t have to know.
“I won’t leaveyou, Tim,” Bai said comfortably, settling back down. “That sucks about the nightmare tho. I … I think I had one too? It went …” she shuddered, recalling the silverblue of the Speed Force, the bluesilver of its voice, the feel of it wrapping around her and sinking into her to make her unsolid and lost. “Nightmares are the worst.”
He caught her fingers before she let his hand go, linking their fingers together. “Yeah. We’re not lopsided. I like that.” He smiled a little, brighter than he had in a while.
To be honest, Tim’s feelings reflected Bai’s almost exactly. He was so happy in Hong Kong with Cass because he didn’t have to share her, they were the only ones there. Here… He had to share everyone. Except Bai, right now. Except… He didn’t feel selfish. He knew he probably should, but… He needed his best friend and she needed him, so why should it matter that they were shutting the others out for a sliver of time?
“I concur.” He replied, solemnly, before his composure broke into a small grin again. Squeezing Bai’s hand he he reached over with his other, a little awkwardly, for the TV remote. “Want to watch cartoons?” He asked, flicking the TV on and going for another cracker.
“Yes there’s an Airbendermarathon going on, I love Aang!!” Bai stretched across to grab the remote as Tim was doubtfully sampling a cracker, flicking fast through the channels until she found Avatar and bounced happily. “Ohweshouldhydrate,” she remembered, handing Tim’s glass of ginger ale to him and holding hers in both hands to down half of it.
“I’m not used to being sick,” Bai said consideringly, watching Tim take determined sips, waiting until he’d had enough before taking his glass to put back on the table. “Speedsters don’t really get sick? But this feels different. I feellikeits kind of rolling around in my blood.” She petted Tim’s hair. “How long you been sick? You shoulda had somebody with you!!”
The ginger ale was good. It’d been a long while since he’d last had any- possibly longer than the last time he’d seen Bai, since before he went to Hong Kong. Just another thing to add to the list of things he’d missed. Spending time with Bai was pretty high on that list.
“I’m usually… My immune system might not be metahuman but it’s usually pretty good, I’m not used to getting this sick, either.” Tim said, leaning into Bai’s touch and closing his eyes, enjoying the feeling of her hand in his hair. “A couple of days… I didn’t want to bother anyone, really…” He sighed and looked up at Bai. “But you’re here now, anyway, so that doesn’t matter anymore. Everything I could need is right here.” He leaned back against her, half-watching the TV.
“Noooo,” Bai said sternly, poking Tim’s thin shoulder. “No it totally DOES matter, Tim, because I know you andIknow what you’re like, and if I let you go on with this whole ‘didn’t wanna bother anyone’ and ‘doesn’t matter anymore’ it means you’re gonna keep right on thinking that and it’ll get biggerandharder to refute in your head next time anything happens and the nextthing I’ll know is that you’ll be quietly runningtoground if you’re hurting or needing people instead of reaching out to us so I wanna nip this in the bud righthererightnow, spleezball. You can ALWAYS bother me and it TOTALLY matters. Got that?”
“Geez, Bai, did you take a breath in all that?” He asked, trying to avoid actually answering properly, but at Bai’s look he shook his head. “I promise, if I get sick again I’ll call you straight away, okay?” He said, poking her shoulder in return. “What about you? Have you been following your own advice or did you not do anything about being sick until I asked about anyone else?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at her and taking a sip of his drink. Bai meant a lot to Tim, and he knew she meant well, but he’d always felt more comfortable helping himself rather than asking others. Needing assistance for himself made him feel misplaced, and selfish. Asking for help on behalf of others, though, that was fine. Though, if it made Bai feel better, Tim might try and ask her for help more often. It’d mean he had more excuses to talk to her…
Bai raised one angular shoulder. “Speedster sick isn’t for you,” she said cryptically and somewhat shortly, the way she sometimes did when talking about things speed-related with The Rest. The not-speedsters. Those were the only two categories that mattered in the big picture when Bai broke it all down: Speedsters, and The Rest.
Besides, this hadn’t even been the regular kind of sick, the kind that meant retreating to the Speed Force to let it mend and quicken and expunge impurities. And pulling yourself back out afterwards even though the Speed Force was beckoning every molecule of you to stay. This had been dreadful warped hallucinations of her own body slowing and stiffening and fossilizing, of being alone in an accelerating prestissimo while The Rest slumped leadenly through their unwitting, frustrating larghissimo lives.
“But if there’s other stuff I wouldcall you in a heartbeat, Tim. Don’t be all self-deprecating and junk, not with me. It’s not respectful to either of us.” She squeezed his ankle to let him know she wasn’t cheesed, only being serious.
He closed his eyes for a second, taking a breath and placing his hand on Bai’s arm. “I know that, Bai. I just meant… You’re eating right, aren’t you? Not relying on other things to get by?” He asked. If there was one thing Tim Drake did really well? It was eat. He could cook, just about, and enjoyed it enough. He’d taken a couple of courses. “If you’re not, then I’m officially kidnapping you, okay?” He said, resting his head back against the sofa.
“Pff, me, self-deprecating?” He said, rolling his eyes and grinning. Okay. Maybe a bit.
Sometimes. “I- okay I think I’m going to hurl.” He grabbed the sick bucket he’d been using, tucked it between his legs and bent down over it, not actually being sick but retching a little.